My family is overprotective, abusive both physically and mentally. My older sister has been through so much that its changed her in the same way it changed my parents. Shes now exactly like them, probably worse and she doesnt realise it. She became the thing she hated the most. Them. I was taught to love my father which lead me to love people people like him. Big mistake.
I have a crush on a guy in my class. In fact, I'm in love. He makes me feel like shit sometimes. Loving him isnt anything healthy yet I continue to do so. I cant stop. He makes me feel alone but alone in the most beautiful way. Makes me forget about my worries. When we speak, Its like it's only us two there and everyone else is gone. That however, is only when hes in a good enough mood to want to speak to me.
I'm caught in this loop of family life, tradition, love, expectations, society's judgements and more. I cant escape it. My best friend has given up on me and I've given up on myself. It's gotten to the point where I just want to leave already. I want a life but I'd only be happy if I was loved and alone with the one I love.
That's the problem. I'm caught up. I make everything about myself and dont realise I'm doing so. That should say enough about me right?
The guy I'm in love with refers to me as an attention seeker and speaks rural arabic under his breath so I dont understand what jes speaking about me. He makes me so confused. It's like a love and hate relationship. Other times he makes me feel amazing. The most recent example was when him and my best friend were speaking over eachother tryning to tell me what was on the screen since I couldnt see. He even told the teacher he couldnt see so that she would zoom in and then said "you're welcome. I did that for you". Another scene happened today when I was messaging him and i playfully said "fuck you" and he replied with "yes, that's the whole point ;)"
Its like hes playing with my feelings. Help me. Hes toying with me whilst he knows he doesnt like me. I doubt he does anyways. Im so lost in my own bullshit that I prioritize making myself a victim so much. I don't want to. I just see scenes in my head of myself crying and my crush holding me in his arms. How lame is that bro cmon? Hes going through shit too but all I care about is me. I just want to know if he hates me or not. He once said "I dont hate you. From the bottom of my heart" yet I doubt that because he also said a few weeks after that "do you like me? Because I hate you."
He knows I like him. I told him. I've told him how much it hurts liking him too yet he just goes off topic all the time. Look at her. Making her crush the main part of this 'rant' when theres worse going on. Why? Because she loves him. Because hes the only thing that keeps her moving. Because he is the only thing that keeps her mind off of the shit at home. The shit of the future. She doesnt know what to do. Help her? Please?