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Love or love lost (1)

So, my mom suggested I write on a blog somewhere.....I just typed in google and came across this space, maybe it's the world or some force that led me here, I don't know🤷‍♂️...do I believe that everything happens for a reason, most definitely! Even if the reason never seems to reveal itself!

I figured, I am really struggling with my past in the here and now, and its killing me slowly (all over again) - as if I haven't already succeeded with that once before. This time round, the thing being threatened is much more than my life, its my soul! My hope! My "spark"......This time I have no intention of ever taking my own life, but I feel that monster I am friends with, slowly making it's way to my "Holy Grail" - I just have so much to live for, so much to give and some much to experience! Yet, I feed and feed the monster and I know it will consume everything I am and everyone I hold dear.

I hope no-one things of me as being selfish for going through my thoughts and memories in here, yes, it's most definitely for me to speak it (write technically) and put it out into the world, as there is a certain power and perspective to be gained. I also feel that, if somewhere the world works in its mysterious way and someone reads this, and maybe just maybe, they won't feel that alone.

So every "so many days" I will go through my memories, experiences and feelings. I am hopeful at the end of this journey I can find some peace, because I am tired, I am really just tired!

In the end, maybe I can love myself or I will lose the love I could have had for myself.....