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Low self esteem

2020 has changed me. At the start of lockdown, I was excited and happy that I could do my school work from home. It felt like a long summer holiday for me but as the weeks went on, the less social I became and now I only message about 5 people, most of which are my family. Staying in my house for months on end has made me be able to look in mirrors constantly and now I have more insecurities about my self than I have ever had. It’s now July and most nights I cry my self to sleep, hating myself. I tried to open up to my mom but she doesn’t give a damn about how I feel. We always argue now as I don’t have the confidence to leave the house. I have this constant fear of coming across people my age and them judging me for my appearance. I spend my life on my phone and watching television but this has made me feel worse. Seeing all the perfect models on social media has made me hate myself even more and question why I'm so ugly. At Easter, I started eating chocolate and other unhealthy foods as doing this comforted me. From then on, I ate the equivalent of the amount of calories in 10 massive chocolate bars everyday when my parents went out on a walk. I knew that I had developed a type of binge eating disorder but kept this to myself. My parents still don’t know this about me as I’m typing this. When night comes along, I say to myself that I’m going to change and glow up before I go back to school but I never stick to my promise and end up eating just as bad as the day before. It’s a constant cycle. I want to work out and have a nice toned body but when it comes to actually working out, I never have any determination and become my “lazy” self as my dad always says. One thing my parents don’t realise is whatever they say to me, even if it’s just a joke, affects me a lot. I feel lonely and empty from all the tears I have shed. I now spend my life listening to depression playlists in my room, with all curtains shut. I hope this feeling of repetitive hate of myself will not last forever. I feel writing anonymously is the only place I can really speak how I feel and I honestly wish that anybody who reads this will never have to feel how I feel on a daily basis.

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Don't worry dear.. I know how you are feeling...this world sometimes seems like a scary place that no one would even notice people like us..but trust me when you start to be yourself and do the things you love the most you'll be the happiest..try to go for a walk instead watching TV and using mobile phones..try to learn any arts such as music, painting, singing,dancing..cuz arts can really help us to see our world in a beautiful and different way.. through arts you will start to find imperfections are the ones which makes us unique ..if you can convince your parents get a pet for yourself it can be either a dog or a cat..don't give up..world needs such a person like you ..your parents love you no matter what..even though sometimes they are little hard on you, sometimes you feel like they don't understand you at all they are the only people who loves you truly and no one else trust me..and never forget to pray..and try to learn mindfulness..you are still young..you can get over any kind of disorders..find positivity in everything..😊 you are beautiful,you are a good person,you are loved..you are strong..never forget that❤️