Sometimes the heartache is bearable and sometimes it doesn't so I just need to vent. I practically known Clark since kindergarten, and we've been inseparable for 15 years until now, being a classmate and best friend up to my college freshman years. I think he doesn't know that I have feelings for him and it's best to keep it that way, and I'm too much of a fucking coward to confess to him. since we're both dudes and I kinda made myself a bit to comfy in this closet, I don't want to make things weird for him if ever I confessed. His happiness is all that matters to me even if at the cost of my own happiness, I owe so much like such as being there for me when at my lowest point in life when nobody else was, considering me like I'm part of his family, helping me many times in difficult times and situations, and many more. It's not that he'll not accept for what I am because I know he''s isn't the kind of person to be that, it's more on that I'm afraid of not having my feelings reciprocated back. And I couldn't ever handle the rejection as it would literary crush me. He's the only friend and remaining family I had even if we're not related by blood. My parents disappeared and are both missing for 6 years now, and the closest clue to where they've been is the discovery of our family car after 3 months to their disappearances found crashed in the woods with none of their bodies found inside. My sister abandoned me to this world by killing herself and my grandpa who took me in and raised me is developing Alzheimer's and he is starting to forget me. So that's how important he is to me, I don't want to lose him like I lost almost all of my family (grandpa is still alive and I'm doing my best of taking care of him also), and seeing him happy even if he ends up with someone else is all that matters to me.