Masking Myself

Time Spent- 13m
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This is a bit of a long one. I’m going to go ahead and start this when I was little. My parents rarely gave me attention (they didn’t neglect me they were just busy people) my brother is 12 years older than me, not an ideal playmate and I despised my sister (also she’s 2 years younger than me) I had bad anger issues when I was little. Fast forward to kindergarten, we had moved houses to like a smaller house because my mom wanted us to be “closer” All I can really remember from kindergarten was being confused and upset for unknown reasons all the time. I had a lot of trouble being a friendly kid and had issues with making friends that I could trust. I was that one girl who was just so... fake. Fast forward another year, I’m put into private school. I meet this girl and we become best friends. I trust her a lot. At this point in time I’m (in my opinion) the most kind. I was a little snobbish because private school ya know? I had more control over my feelings and was capable of making a good stable relationship with my peers. Fast forward to fourth grade. It’s spring break and my parents have to take me out of private school because they can’t afford it anymore. My friends say they’ll contact me. I waited six months with not one single phone call. Since it was over spring break I’m the new kid in the middle of the school year. I try my hardest to look good and I am that one smart kid. This is where I lose control. I have anxiety and frequent mood swings I can’t control. I’m upset because my friends forgot me and have trouble making new friends. I feel alone. I begin to lose my ability to make firm relationships with people and I get into more arguments with my family. I can remember physically fighting with my sister. I feel really bad about it now. Fast forward to fifth grade, I’ve gotten the swing of things but I also start to feel depressed. It shows and I’m sent to the counselors office. I don’t say much. I don’t remember much but I do remember I was sad and angry a lot in fifth grade and I twitched my hands and arms a lot. My anxiety also got so bad I would scratch my arm until it bled. Fast forward to sixth grade. I had a major identity crisis and I feel like I’m losing my sanity. My emotions are all over the place and I become depressed and suicidal. My anxiety only worsens. My ability to make good relationships with other people is gone and talking to people without sounding nuts is difficult. I should also mention I’m an extrovert. I get a lot of headaches in sixth grade too. I’m again sent to the counselors office for a suicide note. Fast forward to this year. I still have anxiety and it’s still pretty bad but it comes at random times and when it does my breathing is uneven and I get all twitchy. I should also mention I talk to myself. I’m suicidal and I guess depressed. I carved the word HAHA into my left leg. My ability to create a good relationship with other people has been built up again. This year I really felt crazy. I would get random major headaches and again I have the anxiety twitchy thing. My mood swings worsen. I’ll be laughing like a maniac one minute and then trying to hold back tears the next. I made three good friends who understand me and have been through hell. We all agree our mental health definitely needs work and I’m officially the crazy one of the group. I decided to act normal because I don’t want to be taken away or medicated or my parents finding out. I recently suppressed the mood swings and acted happy all the time. No matter how I felt I would have to take breaks to frantically assure myself I was okay. I lied to my friends and said I was okay and that I was actually great! My mental health was amazing. Today they didn’t buy the lie and told me I needed to see the truth and they wanted to help. I get super triggered when people tell me they want to help so I went from being smiles and sunshine to aggressive and harsh. I said,

”I don’t want help and frankly you’re pissing me off.”

they were surprised but I tried to shake it off.

i don’t know what to do anymore and decided to isolate myself. I’ve been working on my lying skills and hiding my mood swings and anxiety.

to all that read this, I AM fine. Thank you for reading.