I want to die. I'm not suicidal or anything, it's just that dying seems and feels like the best answer. I can't deal with my problems which is no problems because Im just creating problems that doesn't exist and suffering them. To makes things worst my problem is nothing to be sad about but tell that to my pent up feelings and see if they go away. Sigh. So I'm a twitch moderator to this streamer , let's just called this person Emily. Emily has a cute and lovable voice and personality. To the point that I'm willing to support her. Modern term would be simping I suppose. However as time goes by, I felt super unappreciated. Sometimes she doesn't follow her owns rules making my voluntary job harder and what she's doing is just making no sense. Like she wants this but ends up doing the opposite. This makes chat thinks they can do and say certain things and when I called them out / warn them, I got harassed by chat thinking it's okay to do when it's technically not and Emily didn't do anything about it nor noticed. My "Co workers " ain't helping either. They simp so hard that they called Emily queen. I admit I simp her but saying stuff like this is so cringe. White knighting and sucked so hard ew. There's this one time when a fellow mod deleted some msg on Emily discord and it was her msg no less, it was something /mentioning NSFW stuff when the discord server is SFW. That fellow mod deleted it and got scolded by Emily saying stuff like why. Then pulled the "I'm the owner " card as an excuse. I wasn't there but I think that deleted msg was something about Nazi or something. Emily didn't really consider what's offensive or not and thinks she did nothing wrong. She not a bad person but my god she just so stubborn. She questions if her streams content is good or not. As a supporter I say its good. If its not I wouldn't be supporting her now would I ? And also I suggested some stuff like healthy rules and such to makes her community and environment better but she just turned a deaf ear. She recently had a collab and my god she literally have time to prepare but she didn't. I understand laziness but being socially awkward, you should do stuff to make the collaber feel welcomed but nope she just winged it. It was disastrous for the first few minutes and it was so awkward to watch. Knowing that I could have change the outcomes makes this worst but she just wouldn't listen. Good thing the collab ended well but still. Being her mod is a blessing but as time goes it slowly turned into a curse . Emily and the rest of the mod thought that no feelings wouldn't get hurt and we say stuff to each other, like soft bantering or booli ing as they say. This connection is just not good for the long run and I believe it just hit it. I want to resign. However, in her perspective, I can understand why. Whatever she's doing, she is growing rather drastically without any help. I'm proud but she wouldn't got there in the first place without the people who spent their time watching /supporting her. A LOT of her originals viewers left her because of how she treat them including me. Apparently people who donates big amount of money and doesn't show up 100% of the time is more important that the people who stayed with her from the beginning and supported her for so long and being there almost every time. Just a few days ago, a new guy who just discovered her donate like $1000 . It's impression but it just makes us OGs feel overshadowed. So my problem in conclusion. I feel super unappreciated for what i done as a mod and she's doesn't treat everyone as equal. Some may say money got to her head but idk man. I still want to believe that Emily is a good person but it just so difficult. Adding some IRL problems that I shoved away into my list of reason why I want to die and I become depressed and potentially suicidal.