in the past 4 days ive had 2 mental breakdowns after thinking i was happy again. when i was at my worst i used to be able to go longer times without having these breakdowns and my normal coping mechanism is crying, writing my thoughts on paper and then burning the paper but today that just didnt work. i ended up cutting which i regret doing but also dont. it stings now. i want to die but i also dont. im afraid of death but also suicidal. if i wasnt worried about putting worse pain on people i love and wasnt willing to live because i want to be alive in the future i wouldve been gone so long ago. i dont want to rant to friends just to get advise. i also dont want to feel like im bothering anyone as im such a people pleaser and it sucks. i just want to escape this pain i want to know what its like to die but not actaully die. like go get hit by a car and nearly die but still be alive after to see what its like but im too much of a pussy to actually go try. i hate life but wanna keep living. i want to escape life for a while.