Mess of a Life

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I'm honestly stuck. I'm 19, can't drive, unable to find a job I can do without puking from anxiety, and I had to withdraw from college due to extremely poor grades and a suicidal thought process. I came home around two weeks ago. I tried living with my dad, who is somewhat understanding, but weed is his miracle cure and of course there's nothing wrong with me, I'm just special and a member of the crystal children. He also lives in an incredibly small trailer with his girlfriend and two dogs, and he is very fond of slurs and likes the political party that wants me (a nonbinary person) dead. I then moved back in with my mom a week ago. She drinks to get away from herself and her "boyfriend" will pick fights and she's broken down three times within the week. She won't let me comfort her, either, and I don't know how to help her because she will not accept my comfort. I've been stuck with depression and horrible intrusive thoughts since September and I can't shake them. I can't help anyone around me, and I can't properly take care of myself. I want to go to therapy or a psychiatrist and get help, but we have no money. I can't even begin to fathom the amount of stress that will be on me when my student loans dependent on me passing and staying in college hit. I've messed up so much and I can't fix it, I don't know where to start. All I needed to do was do well in school and I would be fine, happy, and still in the dorms and away from family drama. I'm tired, so tired. I have nowhere to go and I am not going to be able to amount to anything at this rate.

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