( You don have to read it all, Just hoping someone can relate or help or idk just wanted to say it)
I met this girl on Friday and I instantly was attracted to her in all ways, and sexually was the least ( and believe me that is significant because she had a banging body) which is crazy. She is kind and quiet but also funny and exciting. I then found out she was 21, I am 16, so that hit me hard and I thought that was over, but I could not stop trying to be near her, her eyes drew me in and I was addicted, my mind was going 200 ks an hour and I had made conclusions, rethought them, new conclusions, posed questions and answered them, all in the space of about an hour. Can I be with her? Does she even notice me?? Am I crazy??? Is it even legal????(turns out yes in my country) We were watching a TV show with some friends and my sister had invited her, they are the same age, and I was too scared to sit next to her but i really wanted to, ended up not, and upon reliving the night when I got home I had made a terrible impression I think. I was staring a bit but being awkward and trying to look uninterested idk why it was an instinct or something. Anyway basically I was thinking in my head that I had probably left her head immediately when we left.
Saturday night we watched again and I sat next to her, she still seemed a bit uninterested so I was panicking. I have not been getting it on romantically at all recently due to idk corona? Im at an all boys school? Maybe i suck? so I was freaking out figuring out what to do. I had made a shit first impression and she probably only thought of me as her friends little brother although we had been talking and joking I think she was just really polite or something.
On Sunday we watched again and the night before we had talked about Lord of The Rings, the movies, the books, and the lore and she is the only other person that I had met that knows as much as me about Tolkien Lore. It was a big part of my childhood and it still is and I had always seen Arwen as really beautiful and angelic, also she is portrayed that way so duh. Anyway she looks nothing like Arwen, she is short and blonde, cliche right?, but on Sunday she came in wearing the evenstar, dude i flipped, Its a necklace that Arwen wears. Before I knew it, I had subconsciously put her on a pedestal and I had been thinking about her non stop for three days. By Monday we watched again and I had realised I had no chance by then as she was hardly talking to me and I was getting crushed on the inside.
Today has been shit, I realised that I went through a whole Relationship in my head and heart without even learning her middle name, no wait i do know it but you get the point, and that meeting her had made me realise how alone I actually was and how much I needed love, happiness, energy and compassion: which I had again subconsciously rolled up into her. I needed her to be happy, to get love, etc.. But really I have no chance. My heart has felt heavy the whole of today and last night i had a lonely panick attack, I felt like everyone knew what they were doing, were having fun and enjoying care free, while I was trapped in my room. I had her in my head pictured out having fun but she was probably alone, she said she didnt have much of a social life, she feels so far away but she lives a few streets away.
Everyone felt far away actually and I started to desperately think of how I could even be seen as an option for her and I started noticing things I hate about myself, my life and my situation and because she is seen in my head as perfect I was thinking I need to be perfect to be even noticed and even admitting that is a problem and that i might have some underlying shit or that I am maybe not a good person or anything of that calibre feels like I am not good enough for her, and now that she is my standard for happiness everything I do and am has to be up to code with the fake standards I have creating of hers, instead of trying to be happy and just live a good fulfilling life , she is now that for me in my head.
I could not escape it and i felt crazy, I was clawing at my blanket and writhing around just to make it go away. But it might be too late because i still like her so much but when i think of her my heart wrenches and i feel weak all because of my own thoughts, she hadnt done anything and I was trying to think of ways to change my life to get her. There was something else I wanted to say but I forgot and this is getting long winded, I dont even feel like fixing the errors. I feel week and I dont want to do anything if its not with her, my ambitions and goals, activities and passions, and dreams all seem incomparable to just being around her. And the crazy thing is , its not only my head, when i try to not think about the way i first percieved her and just look at her objectively to see if i would genuinely want her, I still do, so I cant just let it go.
Shit I have no energy for the rest of life anymore, and I read this back and see it objectively as well and it seems stupid, but I cant even bear the thought of not wanting her, let alone being with her. Its crazy. She is now my unconscious goal and dream and nothing compares, and that she probs isnt interested tells me that i am failing at life and am mentally ill and am not perfect enough when really all it is, is probably just that im 16, or shes not into guys, or im not her type, or that I am just not.....not...idk..someone who you can be with?
I FEEL LIKE THE ONLY CONSCIOUS BEING ALIVE WTF?