/ / Hey, I know this is a vent and you probably know what you're getting into, but I might be talking about somewhat touchy subjects. Please keep that in mind, and make sure you don't end up stressing yourself out! / /I remember watching a video recently on how so many people are turning their lives around because of Covid, and here I am thinking of how things got so much worse, and are continuing to do so. I got more confused with my emotions and who I am as a person, I felt more lonely than I ever have before, and I felt like I could barely even wake up in the mornings. Things did get better, momentarily, but that's honestly just because of me trying to keep up with a specific image. A lie. A false reputation.Nobody really talks to me anymore. All my old friends have moved on with their lives, never speaking in our group chats. I sometimes forget I'm in groups on discord because of how quiet it is. The one person I talk to is starting to hang out with their friends more than me, and the absence human contact is killing me.Fuck it, even my family doesn't reach out to me anymore. My sibling moved away a long time ago, could be any number of years. I don't know anymore.My mother is constantly away, and I still don't really like who she married. (Long story short, It's been a while since he got with my mom. He's a nice guy, but I can't see myself ever thinking of him as a father figure.)(Also, even he is never home when I'm awake.)Nothing I used to do entertains me anymore. No matter how much Youtube I watch, or Minecraft I play, or even random shit I draw when I have the chance. I never know the time or day. Time isn't even a question to me anymore, it's just a vague reply. Is the sun up? Down? Is it dark? I'd never know with the lights on.Every time I try to do something productive I end up zoning out, so you know, that sucks. Sometimes when I zone out I end up thinking of bad things. Bad things happening to me, to others, by me to others... I once wanted to stab one of my cats. I once wanted to stab an old friend. I once wanted to stab my step-father... and I even wanted to stab myself. Well, more of an urge than a want or a wish.~ Just saw this mess of a vent so far lmao. I'm making it look so bad so far and we aren't even halfway over. ~/ / Also yes, you might wanna stop reading now if you're sensitive to mentions of s/lf h/rm and ect! / /Anyways. I have issues with self harm, I guess. I'd never say it's too bad, but that might be me saying that to nudge myself into making it worse.The scars completely cover one of my arms, and threaten to cover another. They're also all over my legs, and even some on my stomach. I don't know why I do it. To distract myself maybe? To make permanent reminders that I'll never be as good as I want to be? Whatever the issue, the cutting isn't going to stop any time soon....I want to talk about something else now, so I will.I miss my father, no matter how bad of a person he might of been.He scared me into running away from home, once, but that's alright. He might've scared me, making me think I was worthless, but that's ok. He might've been a manipulative know-it-all jerk who treated my mom and I like shit and was lowkey a pedo towards my used-to-be older sister, but it's fine. [ Side note. He's not their/her biological father. He wasn't mine either, my bio dad died before I was even born. ]Of course I know it's not fine, but with the amount of manipulation against me from such a young age, I looked up to him. I trusted him, thought he was a good person.Weird how the world works :/Anyways another change and also expect the quality of this to go down because I'm really tired and I don't wanna write fancy anymore.so yeah screw writing wellok so i have some issues with holding emotions back, and having the mindset of 'if people have it worse, i dont have the right to complain.'and i think yall can see some issues with thatbut ive struggled for so long but i feel like its not safe for me to tell people anything. i dont want to lose anyone (you know, especially since i really only have one person in my life right now.)i uh...screw it[ quick note. i call something that happens to me regularly 'the loop'. what it is, is when i get sad and tell someone about it, they turn the conversation around and make me feel bad for them. this happens so much like im not even joking, like sreriously i justs swant to feel betetr and this istnt fuckcign ehlpgjin ][ edit - ... 'helping' isn't that hard to spell, past me. so yeah dont mind if i have fits of not being able to type lmao. ] i was once with somebody. i'll call them 'person A', and i was friends with somebody else, who i'll call 'person B'.A had issues with anger and jealousy. When I would hang out with B, they would get start to get angry at B. (and kind of me too i could tell, but they wouldnt say that.)I always tried to help them get past whatever was holding them back, for them to become friends, and it would never work. I remember losingg myself in the process of trying to help them, and when they finally did start talking to each other again, I remember that was when i was at my worst.I remember being on a trip of some sorts, [ screw it, i was on the road with my mom, who's a trucker ] and so i didn't have great wifi. a and b were on a call with me, trying to get me to join a game with them. after i joined, i could literally not play (wifi 😍) and then they legit forgot i existed DFGBLJafter a while of trying to get the game to work, i decided to leave. since yknow. i didnt want to ruin their fun, and also like i was getting a tad emotional (though i hid that 😃) so yeah i left the call.then this is kinda where it gets a bit foggy?? but a started trying to get me to rejoin.. on our public chat with a b and me, and i caved in. but i stayed silent. and the thing happened again, with me leaving and stuff again.i was rlly sad at that point (fomo, ig.) and i wasnt thinking, so i said something kinda depressing, before immediately deleting it.they didnt see thankfully, but tried to pry it out of me.even though i said nomultiple timesi said it was an 'inside joke'and yet they kept pushuign for me to tell them.in the group chatand i fucking snapped (both in anger and sadness)i went into dms to say what they did was unacceptable and i admitted that me not being honest was kinda rudebut like seriously? trying to force a confession in a group chat?? kinda fucked imoanyways after that i tried to get away from the convo.though i did kinda.. maybe say i wanted to kms in a status.and?? they fucking called me selfish ?? for having emotions and not knowing how to deal with them ???djkdfhsbdnjfkvkdmfmkb;sldthem saying that brought me into a full on panic attack and yknow it got even worse when i realized my mom was. literally right next to me. or well above me because . bunk beds. ig.also another thing to make it worse, after A said the selfish thing, they told me B and them were completely in agreement. that it was draining for them to have to deal with me sometimes. and you know i was still lonely then, with those 2 being the only people i really talked to. so you know. having the person you're literally with and your best friend agreeing that you're being rude and selfish and mentally draining and stuff like that all while you're just trying to . have proper emotions. for once.kinda sucksanyways it got really confusing because after that they said another thing about me having to rethink my fucking life decisions immediately followed by "keep in mind what i said, because you dont have to do that over one little thing. you're strong enough to do what you want to."we .. 'talked' about therapy (i was like WHAT DO YOU THINK IVE BEEN TRYING TO DO AHDSFLJB 😃 and they were like. not therapy apparently.🙂)and after that both a and b kinda. made fun of me because i was trying to exit the conversation before it got worse igbut they realized i was legitimately hurting and fsdljbvs owie yknow cause like everyhtign was so fuckign confusing like there was a part of me that immediately wanted to say 'its ok you did nothing wrong lets forget about this day forever' and another part that wanted to scream how i cant stand anything and i just wanna go dive off a fucking cliffbut the former of the two won, i think.yeahuh heres where 'the loop' comes in becsause they start to feel reeal bad and their typing gets panicky dkjfbso i kinda started apologizing. for you know. having emotions. but i was also kinda bitchy about it which was not helping but come on cut me some slack.and right when i was starting to kinda open up and vent and feel slightly better, they changed the topic. and whoopsies, there goes my chance to feel like a human being for oncei am kinda proud of a part of this, because at some point A was trying to get me back in the call with them and i was refusingthey said 'threes a crowd'and i replied with'two's company, and i'm claustrophobic'which honestly dude i still like that to this dayi dont intend on painting A in a bad light. they arent toxic or any of that dumb shit, its just theyre a bit.... misguided?? but do know theyre trying their best and i only wrote this the way i was feeling like right after it all, the hatred and sadness and shit.anyways. im too tired to continue. its 9:30 am and im ffuckign shdskbf i jhave to get up at around 11...fun fun, amr?~ ~ ~/ / This is a reminder to go get something to eat or drink if you haven't today! Also, I bet you haven't gotten too much sleep recently... right? Well, get off your phone or computer or whatever else and go take a nap! >:(Anyways, thank you for reading this far. Even though I wouldn't know if you read this, it still makes my day. :] / /..also 10,000 characters what the fuck..