They dropped the ball on me.
I got the diagnosis for autism only a few years ago. It explained why I always had a tough time socializing and always felt at a loss for words when I was within a group. Unable to hear my own thoughts, as if a loud static noise drowned my inner voice out. And it explained so many other small things.
Life would've been much easier if I knew. Because I always blamed myself for not fitting in. Hated myself for never losing myself in the flow of the group and always be more than 'the quiet kid' in class or at work.
And an ADD diagnosis. Because co-morbidity. Sometimes losing track of what someone else was saying when I was being spoken to in a dialogue! It is embarrassing, to say the least. I always feared that I came across as disrespectful while I did try my hardest.
I got medication for ADD now. I think I could've done better in high school if I had it back then.
And I got a diagnosis for depression. Finally! I've been suffering from it for 15 years. 15 years of sleepless nights! Ashamed of my grades, my social awkwardness and how it made me a disgrace to the family.
And finally, as I recently had learned, my family life wasn't normal. The asian culture dictates high grades and becoming an engineer. Your parents will be able to brag about you. And if you can't meet their expectations then you aren't there. And they will talk down on your education. They will criticize your friends.
And with my (back then) undiagnosed autism and ADD I was seriously handicapped to meet their high educational expectations and social circle. It felt like an invisible wall. Unsurmountable.
I wanted my parents to be proud of me. Brag about me because that would mean I exist and I'm welcome and loved. But that never happened.
Instead, I got shrugs.
I was told to become an engineer.
My education level was ridiculed.
My hobbies, my passion, ignored and forgotten.
Unimportant. Because I was unimportant.
I was just a walking grade list.
To top it all of...
A broken family with another disgraceful sibling.
I didn't want to turn against my family or against my 'disgraceful' sibling. I realized they both needed help. A pillar. And I'd try to be that with my 'lackluster' achievements. Like my family's happiness depended on me.
And as long as I didn't get the grades they wanted, then I was causing them great pain.
I never complained.
I never cried in front of them if I was excluded from my class or my friend group. Never uttered criticism to the way they raise children.
All to secure their happiness.
So they'd smile.
But they didn't smile. They never did. No matter what. Not from the heart. Not out of warmth. But only out of pride. And they could never smile for me because they were never proud of me.
An asian family also means that you respect your parents. No matter what. And they do not have to respect you in return.
All my life I spend pleasing them.
And they discarded me once I stood up for myself and demanded a better treatment.
How easy I was thrown away. After neglecting myself on top of them neglecting me. All for them.
This family. What I considered my home.
It was nothing. I'm nothing more than their trash.
My relatives are no better. My siblings are no better, our relationship was always flimsy at best.
And now I find myself in an onslaught of sleepless night. Fearing that the home I've build with my SO, who supported me after I was abandoned, will also throw me out.
Because it happened before.
A home I tirelessly worked for discarding me.
I was obedient. I was quiet. I agreed with 99% what was said.
I can't stop thinking of it. I will be abandoned again.
15 years of depression. Where I wasn't loved for my grades. And wasn't loved who I am. And standing up for myself left me without family and relatives. My friends casually excluding me from the movies or birthday parties, however, discussing it loudly in front of me -everyone was invited but me.
I am used to being worth next to nothing.
Happiness isn't meant for me. 15 years of depression, over half of my life.
I have not been abandoned yet again. But I know I will kill myself if it happens again. And sometimes I think I should kill myself before it happens. Before he finds me boring, or I make a terrible mistake, or he grows tired of my depression.
I'm sorry. I couldn't sleep again.
My sleeping rhythm is destroyed. Again.
Awake by night. Asleep by day.
I know you want me to join you for dinner but I don't because I sleep then. I know I can wake you up if I feel bad at night but I can't when I know you need your sleep. Consoling me because I'm afraid I'll be thrown out AGAIN. I wish I didn't feel that. That I could be happy and take care of you.
I'm dragging you down.
15 years of depression.
Over half of my life.
I don't think my thread signifying the length of my life is supposed to be this long. I am supposed to be dead by now. Alive to drag out my own misery and failures.
I am so sorry you decided to love me because I know you can do better. With someone who is able to take care of you. Someone who doesn't cry as much as I do. Goes back to university, undeterred by the thought of failing.
I am so selfish for sticking around.
You're too good for me. You and your family.