why am I never enough for my mother
it's like I can never live up to the perfection of my dead father, the perfection of my dead brother, can't be a ladylike daughter, not smart enough, not filial enough, never responsible enough, too dumb, too fat, too slow, too much bad and never enough good
and it's so fickle and confusing
i shovel literal shit, literal piss for her, install things, learn how to wire, stab myself on nails and wires for her, water, conspiracy theories, serve her
and it will seem fine. it'll seem okay. and then the fucking fork drops off the edge of the table and she loses it.
i think it's all fine and she loses it over a picture, a bag, a shoelace. something big? something small? how can I know? I'm no predictive robot; I'm a fucking child who knows nothing in the stupid world.
if i were any less sane, i'd devote my fucking life to finding a way to make a time machine and right everything for her, every little wish of hers and mistake of mine, dad wouldn't be dead, brother wouldnt be dead, she'd have her perfect fucking family, her perfect life, her beautiful perfect loyal children who do everything for her, who fight by her side, who aren't cowardly ugly dumb traitors like us, a perfect little plentiful family instead of 3 deathly twigs scraping by the stupid fucking ground, making her feel burdened and suicidal
because yes mother, if we don't hand over the mouse right this second, you will bang your head repeatedly on a chair and kill yourself
and then I try to free my fucking mind to enter dreamland to enter stories conjured, by the minds of strangers on a glowing screen or by the chemicals in my brain, I don't care, just something, anything, a nice little place to feel free and silent when you're home
but the chains aren't in my own stupid fucking brain, they're outside of my control, held unknowingly like a loving child leash upon the hands of my fucking mother, dear sweet mother who loves me oh so much and who is oh so never loved back because everyone including her children hate her even tho she did nothing to deserve such horrid children