I’m so sick of everybody and i mean everybody. I wish i had a normal life. Im grateful for the things i have but this pain i still have since i was 12 is just making my life hell. I’d be better off gone honestly. I’m not gonna say i hate my mom and I don’t wish any harm against her, but I still feel the resentment of her from the night she mad me lose my fucking virginity and even got mad when i said I didn’t wanna have sex. My own mother caused me to have depression and my dad was “clueless”. Okay I understand he went to work and all but if i knew my wife was texting for my daughter or potentially emotionally abusing (which she was) i woulda stopped it no excuses! he’s always making excuses constantly. I’ll always remember the night in the car when I told dad mom was texting a boy in highschool pretending to be me. I took it back cause i was afraid of her at the time but it’s like he just gave up on it. if it was one of his sons, he would stop the world! I’m tired of him making excuses but idc it’s too late. When we moved all hell broke lose. my own mother was living her life through mine while being evil to me. She’s called me everything i can think of. She always wants to say, “well i yell at your siblings way worse”, but that’s because they actually disrespect her. She was getting mad at me cause I didn’t wanna do stuff with boys! I don’t talk about it cause that’s the past but that is a part of me and it really hurts that she downplays it. She is the reason i have depression she is the reason i have such low self-esteem she is the reason idgaf about my body she ruined my whole childhood and i had to sitback and take it. Yeah my gma let me move in took guardianship but she was really only there financially for me. Everytime something happened to me and i would wanna talk about it with she would find some way to make it about her. Her and my mother are both so manipulative and they think im stupid, well my mother has told me plenty of times. I just cant take it. I feel like im in the middle of the ocean just lost about to drown. Idk what to do anymore. I have no one to talk to. I don’t care what anyone in my family says they DO NOT offer me emotional support at all. My dad was questions me, my grandma makes it about her and even talks about to my mom. Though, i will give it to my grandfather he has been there for me emotionally and actually listens. Anyways, im writing this right now because once again my mother decided to go on one of her rants. My brothers and I continously fight and lately it has been getting bad so I tried to avoid fighting by simply keeping conversations to a minumal not even being disrespectful to them. My dad asked what’s wrong i told him i guess he said something but it never really seems like he cares. My mother on the other hand just took it to a whole other level. Literally everytime they come over i guess she wants me to kiss their asses. I usually just stay in my room and it sets her off everytime. One time i said bye to my brothers as they were leaving and they barely said anything. I asked my mom how come she didn’t say anything and there she goes. But she always wants to claim i’m the mad one. Recently the same issue happend. We had a little disagreement and asked if I wanted to come but I could she was going to start so i said i would stay. She walks and slams the fuck out the door. I then go to my grandmother’s house thinking im going to get some peace for a little bit (btw i came home for a little from school) but she was triggering me as well, but i dealt with it and stayed. Later on my mom FaceTimes me saying i have major issues and im crazy but she says she’s not and I am LOL. Next she text me to give her key, calls me stupid, then tells me my brothers dont like me and she’s gonna keep them away from me, just because i was avoiding fights by not talking as much to them. But this is what really broke me, so i put up a post which was secretly about this girl acting but my mom thought it was about her cause she’s always lying on her social media as well. Anyways i see she DMs 3x and i hurry to delete it bc i know the messages were hurtful, like always. Then they popped back up idk how. I clicked on them nervously and the first sentence broke my heart. I stopped reading blocked her and deleted the messages. She told me i have absolutely no one and this boy left me for a girl and then that’s when i stopped reading. My biggest mistake is was getting comfortable telling my mom stuff. Even though that sounds like a normal thing, my mom will take those things i tell her and use it against me to hurt me then say it wasn’t that serious or she yells at the other kids. She calls me a druggy for taking xanax but she’s the bitch who gave me one at 12 and let me have some later on in which i ended up really liking. She takes no responsibility for anything. Idk what to do anymore idk what to feel. Before i came home i was in a total different mind state i was actually kinda happy. Today I contemplated taking all my antidepressants to kill myself. I can’t take it anymore. I know some may think im dramatic but im tired of feeling sad and feeling alone in my family I shouldn’t have to feel like i hate my family. I just wana go away forever. I kno there’s probably 100000 grammar errors but i just got done crying and don’t wanna start again I really hope somebody sees this im scared to tell my story out loud but i want to be heard