Since 2 grade and up uintill 10th grade, me and "erika" (im not using her real name) were the best of friends. We practically grew up together, and have shared some of my most memorable moments of my life. We were insepereable and understood eachother so good. But it was also very rocky at times and it could get very ugly with physical violence, but we would always make up the day after. However i wouldnt be writing here if i didnt feel guilty. I was always the one who initiated the violence. She would get on my nerves, which she knew exacly how to do, and as a result i would punch, slap, kick etc her, and she would follow suit. Still, we were good friends. When we entered junior high, things became more calm and we diddnt fight physically anymore. Things were good, uintill i had a breakdown in the summer before highschool because i did not get into the school i wanted to go to. Although she had nothing to do with it, i dragged her into the problem and she had had enough. It was a nasty conversation over skype and that was the last time i spoke with her. I was 14 at the time. I am now 20. The thing is that i understand that we were toxic to eachother, but i still miss her dearly. I feel such tremendous guilt, because i often dream about her at night. Not in a random scenario in my dream, but dreams were we reconcile and become friends again. I dream about Erika so vividly. We often hug and cry and talk it out, only for me to wake up and for a slight moment think that we are friends again. Only to be disapointed. We still follow eachother on social media and both of us are doing great. We see eachother at parties and such, but we never talk. I just wish i could talk to her but at the same time not. We are adults and we are different people from 6 years ago. I just see her everywere. i cant get any peace.