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My bf wants sexy pics of me, but I keep saying no

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Sexy as in nudes of me (25F) that he (26M) keeps in his phone for his own eyes, and he puts them in a folder that can be locked. He and I don't really have friends, so I know he won't leak them to anyone he knows.


I've let him see and touch the top half of my body twice, and down below once (but with my pants still on) over the course of our 3 year relationship (I've known him for at least 6 years now). I've given him some pictures last year, before I finally built up courage to tell him in a heart-to-heart, also last year, that I didn't feel too comfortable sending such pictures. I know it's for him, and I know he won't leak them, but even now, I just don't like the act of posing nude for such pictures; I don't do that for my own pleasure anyway, so to do it for him made me feel weirded out. I also told him it made me feel like he wanted me for the way my body looked, but I know he meant it when he said it wasn't true. He liked the differences in our bodies and he always told me for example, even if I were to gain weight like him, he would still love me, and I do believe him.


I love him, planning to marry him in a few years' time even, and for a lot of things about our relationship, we openly talk about and discuss with each other. This thing I told him last year -- after I told him how I felt, he didn't request for such pictures for a few months after that. But soon, I could tell he was trying his luck again, and he'd say or message me in text 'can I have some pictures?'. Ever since then, I've only given in to his requests, twice I think? But the other times I said 'no, I don't want', or I don't even respond to him in text because I know he would say 'but why? :(' and I would feel guilt for not sending such pictures. I told him in our heart-to-heart that I don't think I will feel this way after we get married (honestly, I'm already picturing myself just wearing his shirt and nothing else when we're in our own house in the future), but for now when we're not even fiancé and fianceé, it makes me feel uncomfortable, like we could be caught by my parents one day and I would suffer their wrath if they knew about this.


Yesterday after sending my home from work, he tried to get his hands under my shirt again, and I said no, I don't want. He said please it's been awhile, but I still said no I don't want. He then asked how about pictures then, but I said no I don't feel like it. He gave his puppy dog eyes look but I said again 'but I don't want to' and he said 'but I want'. I always try to gently turn him down when telling him no whenever he requests because it makes me nervous with guilt at rejecting him, but I told him once more I don't feel like it. Then he stopped and kiss me on the forehead and hand and told me goodnight I love you. But at that point, I could feel his disappointment at being rejected again. (I've told him I could feel him being disappointed whenever I told him no during our heart-to-heart talk last year, and he never gave me a straight answer but I could tell I was right). He messaged me when he reached home that he had taken a bath and was going to sleep, and he said goodnight. But the messages were curt and I could tell he wasn't too happy with me because always, he'd spam me with love stickers from Pusheen (my favourite cartoon cat) whenever he say goodnight. I didn't reply.


I wanna cry again. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel like I've overblown my reaction to his requests. It's just nudes of me that he keeps locked in his phone and I know he won't share them with anyone, so why do I feel so adamant and uptight about not doing it? It'll make him happy, and he always try to accommodate to me whenever we're together. But I also try to accommodate to him as well because I believe in equal treatment. I want him to be happy with me as I am with him, so me not sending him some pictures makes me feel imbalanced. But I'm not happy when I take these pictures, feel uncomfortable sending them over to him, but it'll make him happy because it's a part of me that he wants to keep. He said any face pictures I give him, he treasure every one of them, but after that, he'd also ask for the 'other kind of pictures'. I just feel stupid for feeling this way over a bunch of pictures. Again, I don't think I'll feel this way after we get married because we'll have our own house to 'have fun in', but we're not even engaged now and it makes me uncomfortable. I wanna cry again.





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