So recently my boyfriend and i went on a vacation. Honestly i never liked having sex with him, the aftermath was always painful and it felt like i was doing it just to please him. So before going on a trip with him, i reminded him i didnt want to have any intercourse during our vacay. He nodded.
Fast forward on our first night in our bedroom. While i was sleeping, i felt his hands touching my whole body. I said no. I said stop it and that i was really tired and sleepy. I kept on pushing his hands away, telling him NO, STOP. He kept on saying he just wanted to touch me. It goes on for half and hour and he said he wont gonna put his dick in me. Seconds later, we were having sex. But i wasnt enjoying it. I did not allow it and i was trying to hold back my tears. I was wishing that he’d stop. I tried to enjoy it, but all i could think of “am i being rape by my own boyfriend?” “Is this really happening”.
i confronted him this morning before we broke up. He got mad when i called him a rapist. He apologized to me but it felt like he did not take this as a serious matter. Moments later i remembered having my first ever sex, we were doing it in the back of his car seat. We were kissing and i only wanted to kiss without doing any sort of intercourse because i’ve never had sex before. He started to touch my vagina but i refused many times. He promised me he wont gonna do it and the next thing, it happened. It was so quick i couldnt even react or move. I didnt expected that he would actually do that to me.
i kinda regret i let it happened. I should’v run away or shout for help. I just....couldnt. I blame him but i also blame myself. I never thought that what he did to me was considered as rape. I was reluctant to admit that i was sexually assaulted. But now, i just had to admit it. I am a victim and he is my rapist.