Whenever i think i am supposed to feel sad, i make myself cry. Not in a, “i’ll just think about sad things” kind of way. No, one example is that i will keep my eyes open and stop them from blinking so that they sting enough for tears to form. Not normal behaviour ,i assume. And in lockdown, when i shut myself away from all of my friends and didn’t talk to them for about a month, i handled this feeling even worse. I started to cut myself, although, never enough to draw blood, just enough for me to feel the pain and let some tears form. These didn’t scar, at least not permanently, but they reminded me that i am not normal. I can’t really cry naturally at sad situations and this ,compared to my friends (the most emotional people i have ever met), is not something that should be happening.
I used to be able to cry normally though. The last time this happened (that i can remember) was in year 7, when i was walking home alone from a drama class where i still hadn’t learned my lines for my two monologues off by heart ,and my exam was in a week. I stopped at the corner of my road and slowly broke down, crying so heavily i couldn’t breathe. I was so far beyond stressed that i didn't tell anyone and tried to go about my day as normal, not wanting to bother them.
Surely i should have cried like that at some point since then. I mean it’s been years, i had plenty of opportunities to. My girlfriend broke up with me (by text), i sat alone at lunch for weeks with no one caring enough to check on me, i’ve received a number of sexist and homophobic remarks over the years . I don’t get it.