I am 12. He is 14. We never had the best relationship. As a child, and even now, he would always hurt me in a way. Physical or emotionally. Around 2 years ago we would playfully kiss, not with the tongue or anything. It was just for fun — and completely platonic. I don’t know when it started happening, but he started taking off my clothes. I never consented to it. I didn’t want to anger him, so I let him do what he wanted. If I refused, he would guilt me or keep asking me until I let him. Slowly, it turned into actual rape. Is it rape? I never said yes. Never. I never said no either, but I tried pushing him off me at times, told him I didn’t want to do it. I said ‘no’ in every way without actually saying no. It is still happening. He takes me into his room. It is actually more like forcing though. He forces me into his room at midnight and pins me onto his bed. He won’t let me leave until he is done with me. I am pushing at him and trying to leave, but he won’t stop pinning me down until I stop resisting. My mind going blank as I feel him ripping off my clothes. I want to scream and push him off of me. I want to tell him no, but in a way, I still love him. He is still my older brother. But even so, he still raped me.