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my childhood that affects me today.

I had a discussion with my father and step mother yesterday which has left me thinking about my past. most of that discussion was about me having to change and be apart of their family. That discussion has led me to realize that I am not suited to be part of a healthy family unit. I can't accept the shared responsibilities, sharing emotions, and such. ever since my father left, I lived with my mom, for five years. My mom was always working and whenever I try to talk to her she would brush me off, so affection is something I am very unfamiliar with. All I can remember from my childhood was the fighting that occurred between my father and mother, being the punching bag for them, taking care of my father who was depressed, all my attempted suicides and self harm. I can't remember any good moments, other than locking myself in my room playing with toys while they fight. Whenever I was sad, or angry, or confused, the only thing I did (and still do to this day) is imagine someone listening while I vent, and I would do this every night. I was bullied at home and school, so It became a habit to take care of myself and only myself. I hate what happened to me in the past, because I can't get into a healthy relationships, I can't find anything that is satisfying, I have this fear that everyone thinks of me as a bad person and everyone else is a victim. I also hate having so much anger and resentment, because I feel like everyone is out to betray me. I hate how I am scared to express myself to my friends, and that the only time I express myself is when Im drunk. Im in university right now, and I hate how studying the things I know I would be interested in isnt exciting me at all, like how other students are. yet despite all of my regrets, anger, and sadness, I still don't blame my past or my parents, I blame myself for not being stronger to withstand any of the stuff I went through. I joke about the things my parents have said to me (shouldve been aborted, my dad turned my mom gay, and my dad cheating on my mom because I existed, etc) because its funny to others to hear and makes my past seem less bad because it was a joke. (Im sorry if this vent doesnt make sense, Im currently really sad, and I am typing things that are in my mind).