My deteriorating Mental health

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Whoever sees this my name is michael,dont know if it's okay using my name but whatever i guess. I'm 22 years old live with my mum and some relatives.For all my life I've suffered from utter lonliness and depression without those close to me realizing it cause i feel like i don't have the right person to talk to. It'snot like the aren't good pple but i just f eel like they just not the right person and depiste having a ton loads of friends still know that feeling of everything fading away from you thats like my everyday life, the feeling of giving pple your everything but feel like the ain't even giving you the slightest of anything.There is this large space in me tha i feel like i need something to fill yet when i get that thing it never really does an d when end up not getting it, it feels even worse and i have mental breakdowns almost everyday.Funny thing is nobody really notices cause over here i Nigeria mental health isn't a thing when iy should be.when this meltdown happens i get suicidal thoughts,want to vent but no one hence the loneliness...I find it hard to really love someone...And it's hard for me holding unto the the things that seem good because i feel like I'll never be enough or maybe i just don't want to get hurt...I am really drowning... I think it all started when my dad left my mum and someone that mental abuse passed down to me somehow, especially when my mum would throw fits don't get me wrong she really is a nic3 woman the strongest i know actuall but living in nigeria mental abuse is a normal thing so they say we grow with it, we eat it everyday , they don't really care if we are vulnerable or not that's they only thing i envy about other countries who don't tolerate such cause...So as i was saying my dad leaving my mum and the emotional trauma that followed suite relly scarred me, making me want attention badly yet not wanting it,scared that I'll never be enough and it's getting worse everyday like 2day i really did think of ending it all you know meeting God and questioning him about a lot of this....why nobody ever stays, why they have to always leave me whyyyyyy??...

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