i lost the opportunity of wanting to get better with my ED. there was a period of time where I genuinely wanted help and didn’t want to live like this anymore but I couldn’t get or find help. now that period is over and I don’t want to get better anymore. I really fucking wish I never started doing these things to myself because I can’t go back. it reprogrammed my brain. stuff I was never insecure about are now my biggest insecurities. the way I looked at my body changed when I got into kpop. I started comparing myself to cis male kpop idols who were probably doing the same things I’m doing now. my body is different then theirs. I wasn’t born a man and will never be born a man. I carry my weight differently. i realized how much weight I’d gained over quarantine, always sitting around and eating. so I started working out every few days, trying different work outs. then I started watching videos about how people kept their figure but ate whatever they want. I stopped snacking and only ate the main three meals a day. I started weighing myself every day. I started working out and only eating the three meals. yep, that’s fine right? well then I started limiting to two. I started eating small breakfasts and waiting until dinner to eat again and working out at the same time. I started feeding food to my dog when my mom or dad would look away. I started counting calories and obsessing over the way I looked. then I joined a discord server dedicated to rooting on yours and other peoples eating disorders. these were full of meanspo, sweetspo, thinspo, bonespo, and body check channels. I started taking body checks after I worked out and body checks whenever. after being exposed to so much thinspo and what I thought was the goal, I started being worried about my legs when I’d never been worried about them before. my absolute biggest fuck up was watching a video about fasting. I watched it thinking I would never do it. I remember even telling my mom about how much I was working out and how I was starting to be aware of what foods I was eating and telling her I would never fast because that leads to eating disorders. I started eating breakfast only every other day while eating semi normal other days. I started considering feeding into my cravings after reaching the limit of food I was allowing myself that day as binging. I cried over a bowl of ice cream. one day I woke up and we were having my grandparents over like every sunday. I didn’t eat breakfast. when it was time to eat lunch I had a single bbq sausage. when dinner came I acted like I ate. and that’s when I realized not eating wasn’t that hard. this was the start of the worst thing I could have ever done to myself. I started fasting 24 hours every once in a while. i would work out on the days I was fasting. After a “binge” I’d fast for 24 hours to “fix” it. 24 hours turned into 48 hours. I continued working out when I was fasting. fasting became a regular necessity to my life. I can’t stop. it’s something I’m used to and isn’t hard for me anymore. sometimes when I’m fasting I really think about how fucked up i’ve gotten. how did I do this to myself? how did I allow myself to get this bad? I always thought I would be able to stop when I got to where I wanted to be. it felt like a game. this game isn’t fun anymore. I don’t talk about it to anyone anymore. not many people know. the people who do know don’t know to the extent. my parents don’t know. my mom noticed I didn’t eat enough but that’s the most she knows. it hurts that I was slipping away at such a slow rate and nobody noticed. it hurts that before anyone noticed I was already gone. I feel like I’ve become a shell of the person I used to be. the person who used to love themselves. it hurts.