I simply don't know anything at this point. This year.. well not only this but this is how far i feel i go. I'm a total failure in my eyes. I felt like this for as long as i can remember. Ever since i was young my parents never liked eachother, they kept saying that they only stayed together for my sake and that in the divorce i need to choose between them because if i choose "that one" i will never see "the other one" ever again, either because my mother said that my dad won't let her meet up with me or that my father said he will go away and never see me again. I always told them that i love them equally and i can't choose but when i said that they both said that "the law" will take me and give me to another family... I wanted them to get along at least a little bit, but never works out till this day. Weirdly it didn't effect my school grades even with all the stress from home. Then my mother one day took me out of school with her new boyfriend (they were still not divorced at this point with my dad) and brought me to her home country without ever telling my dad (at least that's what my dad says, my mom says she left a message) we were living with my grandparent from my mother's side of course (they were really poor). They were quite old so they needed help, my poor granny was always tripping and falling because of her bad legs. At that time i missed almost the entire school year because my mom didn't have anything planned, she found a school in the end but because we were so poor we didn't even have warm water i was very dirty, and everyone made fun of me because of it, got even beat up. Barely going trough that year i switched school (this was my third school) and met up with new classmates even got a friend, but he started ignoring me saying "You are a good friend, you just smell too bad" i was heartbroken because i really liked him as a friend and i couldn't keep contact with my other two friends from my former school. This was school, at home The Boyfriend turned out to be a crazy leech, who was keep treathening my mother and her parents, that if "they ever throw him out he will murder me and my whole family" we were sleeping in the same room, same bed with him. I always heard him trying to force himself on my mother, she was so stressed out she lost feeling in her left foot. I started skipping school, attempted multiple times to run away back to my original home. i couldn't sleep i was tired, i went around town into parks because that time of the day nobody was around and just slept on a bench. I was helpless and couldn't do anything. The times my dad came to visit my mother was paranoid that he will steal me back. She was keeping me away from him not letting me to see him. i was scared of my mom, when i tried to go see him she grabbed some chains and threatened me because at that point she couldn't overpower me because i grown too much. I stayed and cried the whole day, later my dad came though and he was drunk (He always drank a lot, i was the one who brought him home multiple times) I felt so hopeless, like it will never end. The teacher's noticed me skipping school and got scolded for that of course, my mom said "that's what teenager's do". Then one day my mom gave my papers to my dad one time he visit again and told me to go with him back home. She told me that she realised it's not good here and that i should go back and she will come too soon. I was happy and sad, i was leaving my mother with that asshole psychopath and i didn't know if i ever hear from her again. Once we got back with my dad he continued his habits and got me into a new school (my original school didn't want to take me back). There it was fine first.. but i started to get bullied again, for the same thing like last time. I guess i got used to being dirty i didn't even notice i don't do stuff like before i went with my mom. I was a clear target for everyone, they elected me as some type of president (can't remember what) pranked me multiple times and instead of beating me up front When it was around christmass time they put rocks and ice parts into snowball's and started throwing me with it. My grades went way down and i started skipping school again, i hated everything, the only reason i stayed because of One Friend who i hang out to this day. He is the nicest guy i know. Eventually i guess my armor started to crack because i started lying horribly about my whereabouts to my parents and school, got my doctor to get me my papers so i have an alibi, everything. I got caught when my parents finally had a talk with my principal. They asked me why and i didn't know how to answer i was just over it. In my head i had so many reasons but i couldn't say anything just "i don't know" after that panic attack's started around 2 months after i got caught and i was turned in to the hospital where they kept me and talked to a lot of Psychologists (these parts are really blurry..) i was with a lot of kid's at my age at one point, i also broke my own fingers two times while in there because Both time i was hit by another kid and i honestly really hate violance so i hit the wall, i guess i had anger issues. My teacher's kept calling people to have a look at me, they tought i was abused or i was doing drugs or drinking (i did none and still don't do it) nobody asked me what's up they were just assuming things and my parents started repeating the same things again but now with "If i don't go to school They will take me from them" and "I shouldn't think about going to school, just do it" i was feeling alone and the panic's got worse. I finally gotten over elementary school with all that and Got to go to an art middle school. I was happy because i was 100% sure nobody will bully me and that i will finally be able to go to school without ditching it. The teacher's were nice to me but sometimes there were huge arguement in the class and i got the same panic's (started shaking and couldn't talk, sorry i don't know why i didn't give details about this so far) After half the year was done I was barely in school and barely could make any connections to classmates, I was shutting myself in to my room hoping that i will get better out of nowhere and i stayed there for half a year until i could restart the year with a new class. I had plans, i made myself a persona, someone i wanted to be, a clown, a funny guy, not ashamed and not panicking. It worked and i was happy, even fall in love for the first time with a girl who i still find the nicest person in and out. She had a boyfriend which we talked about, i told her not to worry, i respect relationship's but his boyfriend started to send threat's to me and her (it was a really toxic relationship that went on for even after this) i was getting back into my old stuff, panicking and feel like dying. But now i had made friends with the class, they were so nice they stayed with me, i felt so bad i wanted to be gone. Nobody ever stayed with me before and mostly the girl i liked we became close friends. She was always next to me. but she also had problems (way more bad problems) and one day when she told me that she will avoid me from now on because she can't take it that she sees me fainting, shaking on the ground . i understand.... but it really hurt... she was the main reason i was keep trying to go to school, the reason why it was good again. I'm a horrible person for putting on her this title in my head..... she didn't deserve to see someone keep fainting just because they are too stupid to give up. I was down in the pit of my life and i didn't even realise it yet.... i started cutting myself really deep, chest, arms and legs i got over 300 cuts in 2 years, they were never aimed to kill me, just punishment. She caught me when i tried to take off my sweater because it was stuck into my wounds.. with everyone else from my class. She broken down, hugged me and started saying sorry over and over i felt so horrible i puked and then they sent me away into the hospital. i didn't have any contact with anyone after that for a while. I didn't want her to see me like this, she is also cutting and most of our classmates also do But i didn't want them to know that Now i also do it... it wasn't meant to be like this. I got sent to a group teraphy program where i was living inside the establishment with other patients. There i got really big help from everyone and was hoping to get back and start again at the same school, but they said because i was over the specific age that time That they don't need to take me back and i was fired from the school, even after the principle said to me personally to "First take care of myself then come back to school" i was broken down again and again and started cutting myself with a random broken spikey stick i found from one of the bushes. They kept me in for another month so it was a total of 7 months i spent there. They told me i should get away from my parents because Even they are divorced they are still in the same house with me. I know they are right but.... i don't know.. since then it has been around 1 and half a year and i only went out in public 3 times. I couldn't do anything, the longer i stayed, the harder it become to go out and meet up with people. Now i talk again with that girl and my old friend from elementary, i also asked her out when she become single at one point but she wanted to keep me as a friend which i'm fine now, it was hard taking it first becaue it was my first rejection, she was really understanding about it. But in the end of all this i'm sitting here writing all this and i just wish it would end..... i really wanna die... but i'm a coward who can't do anythint, i failed the people i love over and over again.... Can't protect my mother or my grandparents, can't stop my father from drinking, couldn't continue school like i did back then, can't keep contacts whit people i like and promised, and kept failing keeping the promise of not hurting myself, but which i hate the most is that. That last class with the girl, was the best 3 month's of my life and i failed all of them, i couldn't keep myself healthy and even after all that teraphy i'm stuck here... waiting for the day i might die, maybe because of a too deep cut, or just natural causes or covid comes to me in my bedroom... i don't know. i wish i was better. i wish i could have helped them when they were feeling bad like when they helped me. These things fit in so many things i don't know where it will go.... so to anyone who is reading this... hi and umm i'm sorry for being like this.