my, friends?

Time Spent- 27m
23 Visitors

hey everybody, this will be my second time writing hear and tbh I actually it helped a lot the first time. currently have my music playing in the background so if my writing is a little lyric-y, that's why. okay anyway. today's session is yet again about my friends. basically i re remembered something from a few years ago. i was in 6th grade and it was my first school dance, or any dance for that matter. i was sooo excited and i still am whenever one happens. the point is that i had the best night that i'de had in a while and it was just great. i got to hangout with friends, dance to the music and even do some slow dancing. after the dance was over i went home and went to bed late. the next day i still had energy coursing through my veins, that's how exciting it was. anyway, sorry to drag this out, i get on instagram, tic tok, snapchat, not really sure which, and see these group photos of all my friends. and i mean ALL, everybody but me and this other girl. obviously i was crushed because how could they leave me out. what made it worse was that this other girl who was there was a new girl this year and she got invited before, and instead of me. i had known these girls since kindergarten and they invited the new girl. and no hate to her she's cool and all but it really hurt. so basically the whole day after this amazing night i'm just kinda sulking until my mom finally cracks me and then after i'm done said that she'd also seen the pictures. and when i tell you she was pissed. like super. another mom even texted her or something about the thing although i can't actually remember if it was, how was her night, or i didn't know she wasn't there? either way mom daughter talk day better. but the point of the story is, that i really love these girls, i wouldn't say we are all super close but still. and the worst part is, my friends, which I've decided they are, are nice. so i can't be mad at them. they may seem serious and mature through pictures but when you are with them in person they are the nicest goofballs ever. sometimes i wish they were bad friends although i immedietaly regret that thought after. also, they would never intentionally make me feel bad. while they are what you would call the popular girls, they aren't the mean movie kind. they are geniunly good people they just don't seem to invite me to things ever. and I don't know what to do. i've never been very good at starting friendships, not intentionally they just kinda happen and are endgame. anyhow fast forward to the next dance, the first was fallish, the second in febuary so some time has past but not really. the next dance is happening, and i'm in leadership planning the dance so i kinda know before everybody else. so i'm stressed because ofc i don't want to be left out again. so i reach out first (ik go me) and contact my closer friends saying something like 'hey the dance is coming up we should get together, more people if we want' anyhow eventually everything is planned out and its the same people as before, except this time i make sure the girl other than me left out last time is invited. sometimes i feel like i'm the only making sure everyone is included, but what happens when i'm not there? not the point though. i went to the predance hangout and had loads of fun but i wonder if i hadn't reached out, would I have been there? i consider that maybe they just forgot the first time, but somehow that's worse, so i just like to forget about that particular memory. but it comes back sometimes, like just now, and it feels good to finally to vent it all out. i have an amazing and wonderful bsf but i just don't feel comfortable sharing this info with her yet, especially because sometimes i feel like she could do more to make sure i'm at the events but then I feel selfish and its just a circle that i don't feel like involving her in, not yet anyway. so thank you for anyone who read this, whether you got through two sentences or all the way. I love you all