Writing on here because the person I normally go to is the person I'm freaking out about. For context, B is my closest best friend of about 6 years now give or take. I'm a very emotional person, and I openly love my friends and tell them that all the time, because I think the world of all of them and they genuinely are amazing people I feel lucky to have in my life. Also, this isn't a huge detail but contributes to some of my internal shit: Me and B both identify as asexual (no sexual attraction to any gender) and he has recently been wondering if he likes women romantically, and I'm pretty accepting of the fact that my romantic attraction is a person by person basis thing, regardless of gender. However recently, I had gotten off of a call with him and I found myself just thinking abt what he had been up to recently and how he talks and just, kind of every thing about him and all of a sudden I got bitch slapped across the face with realization that, oh shit, I'm fucking screwed. This was about a month ago and I can attest to fact that I am, absolutely, cripplingly, whipped. It does not help that recently we have been joking about how I'm the number one B simp during calls, and how they don't know how uncomfortably true that's been ringing recently. I can count on one hand the amount of times I have had a serious crush on another person, and the fact that this is one of those times and it's with someone that I've been close friends with for so long and have grown up with just cements the fact in my brain that he isn't going to like me that way. He's been through a lot this year too, coming to terms with the fact that he isn't a straight asexual woman, and he has started to transition. I've pretty much always known I wouldn't have a chance with him, because for the longest time he only liked guys, but now that he's transitioning he's talked to me about how he really craves the husband and wife dynamic of people he looks up to online and how he wants to be the dad in those situations, and it's like my brain took that as a sign to fucking unlock years of repressed affections. Warning from here on out, this is basically going to be me gushing about him. This fucking guy,,, we both like the same things. Video games, online communities, art, which both of us are persuing as a career, pretty much everything. He gets into a game? I'm right along with him, I get into this show, bet your ass both of us are going to watch it together and he'll sit there and let me gush about it. And I only found this out recently but apparently when we were younger I was actually the one that got him interested in art?? Like my drawings at the time got him into it. Which is a huge honor I never knew I had. I've been with him for years, and both of us have grown so much, and I've gotten to be alongside him the whole time and seen what an amazing person he's ended up as, and it's just this overwhelming feeling of, I want to be there for forever. I want to be able to stay by his side and watch him grow and to be priveleged enough to be able to see and talk to this amazing person who's honestly way too good for me go on and do amazing things. I think I've always had this feeling, but recently other feelings have leaked into there as well. It's the feelings of wanting to do things with him that I have always sought out from a relationship. I want to stay up till 3 am cuddling talking about random shit that comes to our minds until we fall asleep, I want to try going on stupid picnic dates, watching movies together on the couch, getting to 'kidnap' his cat to hold, playing switch party games poorly, waking up together and making breakfast and being able to just, exist, but together. I have always craved this domesticity, and now I have the overwhelming feeling of wanting to do it with him for the rest of it. And it hurts.It hurts because I'm always just going to be his friend. He's going to do this with another person and I'm going to have to sit there with a smile and continue to support him, and the thing is it's going to hurt like a bitch but I would rather be able to do that then nothing at all because, well, I'm selfish. I don't want to lose this amazing person from my life. He deserves the absolute world, and I won't be able to be the one to give him it, but I can still help him, be there for him, tell him shitty dry jokes to make him laugh. We've been talking recently about moving to Ireland, because things in America are getting increasingly rocky, and that they have pretty progressive views and rights over there, and it's extremely loose plans but I suggested we could live together, rent out a house or an apartment, and he was on board with the idea. And that made me so fucking happy, but I can't help but feel guilty, because I'm being selfish again, and what if he gets a boyfriend or girlfriend? I'll just be fucking sad, alone, and probably across the ocean. And I want to tell myself to move on. I really really fucking want to. But there's the one voice in the back of my head going what if, and I can't drown it out. And I already know how this is going to end if I try to do something about it.He will feel bad, and it will turn awkward. We will try to keep being friends, and hell it might succeed, I hope to god we would succeed. But at the end of the day, he isn't going to return these feelings. I'm an anxious mess of a person, I overthink things, I have huge ambitions and goals but many of them get left unfinished because of the overwhelmingly large feelings of indifference I will get from my depression, that comes and goes but never seems to fully leave. I'm chubby, people say I'm not but I am, and my hair never does a damn thing I want it to. I laugh too loudly, and while I have my charismatic moments I'm painfully awkward. The closest I have ever come to flirting was when I was messaging him near the start of this month and said 'I patiently await to see if wooing you is possible'. Which, got the response of, 'LMAO. Tbh probably.' which, bitch don't do that to my heart. Anyways I digress, if you managed to read this far holy shit dude, that's kinda wild. Hope you got some entertainment out of this or feel better about whatever might have drawn you to a website like this. All of us are struggling now but we're gonna be ok, whatever's bothering you just keep going!! I'm cheering you on from my corner of the internet. In the spirit of an inside joke from a game me and B played a decent amount before, faithfully signing off, -N.