Bulimic for 3 years, a cutter through year 7-9, attempted suicide on prom day, while my mother stood outside the room screaming that I should just kill myself, alcohol and substance abuse when I was 15, unstable and toxic friendships, abusive grandparents, two faced and manipulative parents that have put me down my whole life, the list is endless. I'm 17 now. I recently found myself the right friend group, stopped using substances, stopped being suicidal, started topping most of my classes, loved by my teachers, known as outgoing, became the lead of my school play, still bulimic sadly but overall, with no external help, I pulled myself through my shit. The pickle is, that I still hate myself, I cant remember one time where I haven't. I don't like anything I do, I don't like the way I am, I always feel the need to profusely apologize for everything and anything I do, I don't know why I'm like this. I force myself to be the best at everything to the point where all I end up doing is putting on a facade in front of others when I'm actually in constant inner conflict with myself. god what the fuck is wrong with me!? I feel like I have no one, I was born alone and I will pass that way too. I feel like a burden to others, if I tell someone something or express my conflicts, the proceeding thought after doing so is usually 'why'd you just do that, you know no one actually cares about you'. Even while writing this, the one thought lingering in my mind is 'stop acting like a fucking victim'. It somewhat feels wrong to even feel sad, which ironic because I've always carried my internal sadness around. It's like I'm watching myself 'act' in front of others, while also watching myself hate and internally critique everything I say and do externally. I'm mentally drained. I've been like this for so long, I used to think that I'd escape this unhappiness, and have a fresh start when I go to university, but now that I'm applying and am actually thinking about my future, I cant help but see a void of uncertainty. I'm not normal, this way I'm feeling is not normal. This sadness is all in my head, it will be with me no matter where I go. I feel stuck, and afraid of what my future holds, I want to be happy, I want a relationship, I want to live a moderate and happy life. But seeing the way I am, I don't know how I am going to do it. There's so much more to my story, it's all just layered and compiled, sometimes I just wish I had someone I could talk to without feeling like an annoyance to them. I just want my mind to stop thinking. I cant take it anymore.