Hi, I'm a lost 20 year old. After high school I had a gap year and worked at a kindergarten, then went overseas with my family as my mom had work there. I worked in a different city, became very independent and met some fun people. Now I've had to come back to my home country alone in order to study. I've been staying at my aunt's house for a month now and it's unbearable. She has bpd and hates me. She shouts at me for small things and takes any oppurtunity to manipulate and power play me. My uncle is docile and just stands on the sidelines. She always voices her opinion and view her letting me stay at her house as a saviour move. She disaproves of the way I think and live, thinking she is always right and forces her ideals onto me. She calls my mother around 3 times a week as to catch up and stuff but always makes her feel bad for having me stay at their house. She has outbursts at me but never apologises. She just later tries to justify it and hugs me. I feel nothing with physical touch and just want to pish her away but I can't as I need to stay at her house. She also pokes me really hard when trying to make me do something. She also tries to bully my mom into telling me I have to do things, such as getting up earlier, finding a job and trying to get my mom to buy me a car(which is impossible to do, we arent rich and I would feel guilty having others do that for me). She also tells my mom I must reconcile and go stay with my abusive father instead of with her. My father abused me often before my parents got divorced(which I felt like was my fault even though he emotionally abused my mom as well) and for the 3 years following the separation, I would get major panic attacks when he came to pick my sister up on weekends(she was never abused). I blasted music, rocked back and forth, closed my windows and curtains, switched off the lights and felt shitty the whole day, just being distant and jumpy. I felt dramatic and useless so I tried to hide any feelings I had from the view of my younger sister to try be a better example to her but ofc I was a terrible one anyway. Overseas I had a better life and it was starting to look hopeful but the beginning of this year I had to come back and leave that life behind. Of course it wasn't all rainbows and daisies there, racisim, a new language, friends leaving all the time, money and legal things but I also got to meet good people and have new experoences as well as be independent with their good public transport. I've had to pick a career path and have chosen animation. I like art but maybe just because I'm ok at it and thats the most reason I have... I dont have any interests or ive lost them to depression but making things and drawing sometimes makes things more bearable. I feel my art is mediocre but applied to different animation schools and I guess I'm hoping I get in. Honestly I dont really care either way, I'm just scared of life in general. I've been diagnosed as clinically depressed for 4 years now and have been to therapy many times over the years. Now I still go like once a month or so but I feel like it's just a black hole of my family's money that I'm wasting. In sessions they all love to try help me plan a future but all the options are bleak and nothing i see myself doing. Other times it's just me crying for an hour, but that I do daily anyways. Ive gotten meds before and was on them for 2 years but they didn't help much. Rhe psychiatrist kept uping the dosage with no change to how I felt and eventually added mood stabalizing drugs. My mother has an anti drug sentiment so after 2 years she told me to stop taking them altogether and said it wasn't good to be dependent on them... I have one friend here but she doesn't understand me when I try to talk about how I feel (i can only do this in a joking manner as it's an uncomfortable topic) she just tells me to distract myself or find a hobby... I also dont want to dump bbad energy on her and increase her burden as she's pretty happy in life right now, in her last year of study and looking to move in with her long time boyfriend. My mother doesn't relate to me, and even though she loves me, I just want her to be happy and not worry about me anymore. My little sister is bubbily and weird but I love her so I don't want to hurt her anymore either... .My father acts like he's the victim and did nothing wrong and keeps invifing me to do stuff with him and wants me to act in his 'normal little happy household' again. This paired with the fact that everyone wants us to reconcile makes me feel like the bad guy who is being unreasonable and selfish. I have nothing I want to be or do in my life and am satisfied with stopping here. I have nothing to wish for and no interest in living anymore. I'm a burden to everyone and just a negative energy people have to see. They feel bad and try to fix me or make me feel better but they all give up eventually, but I don't blame them. I just want an escape and everywhere I go, there seems to be nothing and my feelings never change.I go on walks often, exercise, distract myself with 'hobbies' but my sadness never leaves me. My heart always hurts and for me, there are no positives of living. Life is pain, death is release, but pain is the barrier.. I'm scared of pain and causing others to experience but life is unbearable. I want to die. ~Anyways sorry if you had to read my shitty post, I just wanted to get it out and have no one to speak to that doesn't make me feel guilty for burdening their nice lives. I'm just a stain that needs to be removed from the earth. But enjoy your lives if you can, I know I can be seen as ungrateful and selfish but how is it selfish to try stop being a burden to the people you love. Sorry if I ruined your day