So a lot has happened this year, not just for me but for everybody.I think of something that I never thought of, I think it every night and day. I don't want to live anymore, and as alot of you may think that it's probably related to depression, it's not, not really. I don't want to live like "this" anymore.So let me just take you back to June, 2020. Everything was going great. Woke up every day, cooked breakfast, opened the curtains and enjoyed my coffee with the birds chirping and singing, the sun gleaming through the window, started my day off right.Then, I started feeling some way. I should have known for the beginning that something was terribly wrong.I couldn't keep up with my niece and nephews.I couldn't prepare dinner like I use to, basic tasks got exhausting to do, I was really pushing myself.A constant migraine combined with dizziness, It was like a bad hangover, the only thing is, I don't drink.So I let time pass, just watching my health decline at a slow pace.Waiting for more signs and symptoms of some sort of health problem, because I knew I couldn't just go to the doctor and say I don't feel well.Atleast not during these times.A few weeks go by, next thing you know i'm in July.I look around and every one's having fun, they're living.They're going to the beach, drinking slushies, having BBQ's, fishing, bonfires...etc.. all the activities I wish I could do.And then I think to myself, standing alone feeling like I've picked up the plague on one of my travels, "why is it always me to be sick, all through my life, one sickness after another, one infection after another, why am I so unlucky, clumsy, accident prone?"Now i'm just standing there, watching everyone at the beach, with their families, trying not to collapse in front of them.I'm fighting myself, my body is literally fighting itself at this point and all I can do is watch.I go back home, jump in my bed and i'm just burning up, i'm on fire, I can't breathe, my vision is doubled and my hearing is muffled.I call an ambulance, it's on its way.I make it to the hospital, they put me in a room that's covered in plastic.They run 20 tests, everythings inconclusive, I get discharged the next day.Only to come back again in 2 days, i'm in a room again, no ones checking on me, i'm afraid to die alone.I get discharged again the next day, they can't find a probable cause.I keep going in and out of the hospital only to decide I'll take my chances at home.I'm fighting for my life at home, in my bed.With only the energy to get something quick to eat or take a risk to shower.When I was done doing something, back to bed I went.Fell on the bed like a sack of bricks and slept like it was going to be my last rest.Unable to eat anything with wheat, grain, sugar, fat, oils, salt, spices or acid.I can't stop puking, my body is rejecting water.I've lost 23lbs, I can count all of my rib while I'm looking in the mirror."Is this me?" I ask myself, now i'm going to be completely honest.It's been awhile since i've looked myself in the mirror.I don't even recognize myself anymore.A few months go by, I'm still not who I use to be, I used to be so healthy.Nowadays, i'm still struggling to do basic skills, I've forgotten alot of my memories, my vision and hearing is impaired, along with a lot of other health problems that I have to live with on a daily basis.Signs and symptoms list 40+I can't stand on my feet anymore.I still keep getting turned away from the clinics and the hospitals.I'm done, I'm done fighting.As I write this, I contemplate phoning a suicide hotline.Thanks for reading.