hey strangers :) i'm really happy that my voices and thoughts could at least be heard by someone, and its you. life has been miserable for me, i don't like it here. i honestly just wanna die peacefully. i like isolating myself in bedroom because i feel like my existence is actually a burden for everyone. i miss my old self, the happy little girl that had many friends around her and had nothing to be worried about. i like being happy but as i get older, the word 'happiness' seems like it could never been find again in my life. i hate myself, im unworthy, im ugly, im not a good daughter neither granddaughter. i miss my grandpa and uncle, they mean the world for me. weeks before they died, i always having nightmare regarding of them. i knew it was a sign that god wanna show me. but nevertheless, i kept it to myself. but after weeks they died, i gained courage to tell my family members about it, but as i expected, they could never belief me. some of them even had the audacity and blaming me of my uncle's and grandpa's death. they said if im telling them sooner, they could of live longer. i actually feel guilty till now. i kind of agree with them. but not only this part of my memories which i feel really sad about but i guess all throughout my life, i actually never feel real love from anyone. I grew up with my grandparents, my grandma hates me so bad, ever since i was a kid, she never told me she loves me. i always be the one that she hates. our bond broken even greater when i was 18 years old, i got my examination result which is very important for me. i got 7As :) my parents told my grandma about my result but she replied with "it's nothing to brag about" :( i really couldn't believe what i heard. at that moment, i knew that i am really the one she hates the most. many things have occurred in my life which makes me question the meaning of my life. maybe it would be better for me to just kms? at least they will be happy and so am i.