I'm hoping by doing this, there will be a weight lifted off my shoulders.So when I was very young like 5/6 from what I can remember my mum and biological dad would argue bad. They would scream and shout all the time, things would get broken and it was just very toxic. They used to push us around a bit and be a bit rough but would never actually hurt us. When I was 7 I woke up really early and decided I wanted to go downstairs, as I reached the top of the stairs I saw my dad leaving the with a suitcase , I didn't really think of it though but was sad that I didn't say bye, but I knew I would see him later. I went to school and came back to see my mum crying on the sofa, I asked where dad was as I was the biggest daddy's girl, and she said he had gone. When I asked where and when would he back she screamed at me and said " He is never coming back !! He left, why don't you get that !! Now go upstairs out of my sight" I went and sat at the top of the stairs where I saw him leave and cried my eyes out. Not long after my older sisters walked in and saw me crying so came straight up to me and asked what was wrong. So I told them and they went to ask my mum and she said " yes hes gone, its not going to make too much of a difference is it !" After about a week my Dad came back to explain to us why he had left and tried to reassure us that it wasn't any of our fault. My little sister(4 years old) and I were just happy to see him and was over the moon that he came back. One of my sister took a little time but came around where as the older two were mad and upset. He then disappeared for a year. My mum then got with my Step-dad, he looked very grumpy and seemed grumpy, but i was young and soon adjusted to him. My dad then came back and started seeing us every weekend for little while then it turned into every fortnight and then it was just over night every once in a while and then it was whenever his family were down. Sometimes he wouldn't show up and he would brake promises, to the point where we were all used to disappointment. My mum hadn't changed, she was still angry and shouting a lot her and one of my older sisters used to argue all the time and everyone was so violent in our household , except from me. I would never shout or hurt someone, I would just cry. Sometimes if i got pushed i would push back but then I instantly say sorry and cry. All i ever did was cry, I was the odd one out I was the baby even though I had a little sister. this went on for years then my mum and step dad got married and a few years after one of sisters got pregnant and moved out. Whilst all this was going on my biological dad had been going through different girlfriends like there was no tomorrow and would introduce us to most of them. Some I really liked and still miss, some I didn't really like. When I was 16/17 things felt different. It was the first time I realized that I didn't deal with change very well. I started to go to college, and I switched I realized I didn't want to be at home anymore and that I hated my step-dad. I used to run away and end up being taken back to my sisters because I didn't want to be shouted out by my mum and step-dad. They used to tell me how stupid I was and how silly I was. I could never talk to them about anything because they just wouldn't listen or they would say " oh well, you'll be fine"and that really messed with me. I am the type of person who likes to tell you why i'm sad have a hug and snuggle up and say " i love you " but that never happens. I haven't hugged my mum since i was very young, I haven't said I love you to her either. She is like a robot, she has never changed and I have been told she has always been like that. Fast forward to when I turned 19, my dad was supposed to pick me for Christmas at the end of 2018 but didn't and forgot about me. We had spent a-lot of time together in 2018 as I didn't get on with my mum and stepdad but he still managed to forget about me. I asked everyone not to remind him, let him figure it out. He couldn't see what he had done wrong, he then all so proposed to his new gf which was the one thing I asked him that I could be there for but I wasn't. Lots of other people were though! After not speaking to him since Christmas my sister started speaking to him and became close as they never really had that. The night before my birthday she asked me to go for a drive with her which is my favorite thing to do, so I said yes. She said we had to go get fuel first, so I said that's fine and just sat back but then she drove past the fuel station and I said what are you doing and she said i'm taking you to see dad. I said no and asked her to let me out multiple times but she wouldn't until I almost jumped out, i had to trick her and tell her that I wouldn't tell mum so she would let me get out safely. She then dropped me off on this dark country road surrounded by trees and I just cried my eyes out and ran started having a panic attack and didn't know what to do, so I had to call my mum to get me. I was in tears when they arrived and she told me to stop crying and get in the car. When i told her what happened she didn't say anything. She never even said anything to my sister. My birthday was ruined as everyone ditched out so once again I was abandoned. At this point in my life nobody would ever stay in my life. Everyone was leaving and people turned their backs on me when I needed them the most. I ran away a-lot. A few weeks after my 19th I met an old friend who I hadn't seen since school. He was so lovely to me and after a few days asked me to go on a date with him, i said yes. We went to pizza hut had a nice meal and went for a drive ( my favorite thing) a week after he asked me if I wanted to go down to a place about an hour and a half away from us and I said sure, I had to sleep in his caravan the night before so we could get a full day out . We had the best day and i really enjoyed it so he asked me to stay the night again and he would take me to work the next morning. I didn't see why not so I agreed. Little did I know that was a mistake, after a lovely day with a lovely guy we were both tired and just went to bed. We both fell asleep rather quickly, i woke up because I was too hot and took off my long sleeve top, i had a vest top on underneath. ( TRIGGER WARNING) I noticed he was laying very close to me but thought nothing of it because he was a very cuddly person. I then woke up again and couldn't move, he had is leg wrapped round mine , he had his hand down my trousers and the other on my chest along with his head. He was feeling me up and kissing and messing around with my chest and being very rough with his other hand. I made him aware i was awake and he just laughed and stopped but didn't move his hands. He fell asleep on me and I couldn't move there was no phone signal even if i could've gotten away. I just watched the clock and have never been happier to hear an alarm go off. When I got up he was staring at me whilst I was trying to get changed and then took the duvet off of himself to show that he was actually Naked. I felt physically sick and had to get out of there so he took me to work, I didn't say anything because I wasn't really sure what had just happened to me. I still struggle with thinking or speaking about it. I just don't understand whats wrong with me, why do people leave me. Why do when things get rough people leave me or ignore me. I matured very early because I wanted my sisters to have a mum or a mother figure so I tried to help out all that I could, i would hug them and comfort them. I tell myself that I annoy some of my best friends because we don't talk as much or at all. I believe I am stupid and I am constantly looking for a mother figure. I have only noticed it recently but I look for that connection where I will get a hug even if it is just random and I will be loved and I won't get left. I was always scared that I wasn't going to make it past my 21st birthday, but now I worry I won't make it to my 21st birthday.