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My loop of a life

I really don't know why this is going the way it is.

I really have multiple issues crawling through one after the other, though they aren't the worst if you compare with others, 100s of them add up to kill me from inside.


I broke up with a girl,and to make me feel bad about it, she's getting married to someone, or was this already about to happen, just that I happen to break up at the right time.


Another girl entered my life, but she's so important to me, she's the only good friend whom I trust, only person I would rely to be honest besides my brother. Hence, I'm scared if I would ruin it and if I end up with another breakup and change this girl into a person worse than who entered my life, I don't want that, I don't need a love from girl right now, but my nature is to return things which I get in abundance, and I started giving her some piece of love too but should I? Is it right I don't know.


I casually flirt with some of my friends, but they are just my friends, just friends. They mean to me, but if I mess it up and they leave then, I'll be like, okay! It was fate. But not for this girl.


I have a bunch of friends, like a lot of people who like me, I know that for sure, but a few people who hate me for the reason they don't know well, for the things they don't know my side of story of. But that's okay, life never gave me a 100%discount offer. I had to build every bit of person I am today excluding the help from my family. I have been embarrassed in front of each and every person I've met, sometimes just to make up for someone else's joke, I can speak up, but I am so concerned about losing that friend.


Whenever I befriend someone I do it with brutal honesty, It means to me. But when that person takes me as a joke. I should walk away right? But I kind of stick around hoping that I'll get the same response, not that they are very special, but it's my nature to return what I get in abundance and I expect others to behave similarly.


I have no true friend except one who is trying to love me, and I do love her too, but I don't know if its genuinely love or is it just, I want to give the same back to her.


My life has many problems and girls account for the least of it, that's why I'm confessing it here.


Well also, I am confessing it here proves that I really don't have a good friend except me.


I am proud of me for what I have achieved though its really small!

But I am disappointed like hell of the small small mistakes I have did in past, cause like problems, regret also adds up!

I have, apologised to every single person to whom I have committed a mistake which I know about.


I constantly feel this,

The only few things I want in a long term is

A moment of peace in my family

A few honest and trustful friends

And my faith in myself despite my problems.


The above problems are like a loop, they repeat over and over and over again.

I start trusting someone for being my friend and they end up being the wrong person.

And everybody is materialistic about me except just 4 who are in frequent contact. Family and a friend.


So these are a pinch of the issues that I feel, cause I have a broken head, I overthink things like hell.


I should be happy that my life is working out well with small dips and highs , but what happened yesterday was like all the dips came in the same valley after a high peak.


Happens right?


Thank you for listening to me.