a month ago
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My New Year's Resolution

Thank you Jesus. For this life of relative luxury and comfort without I, myself having to personally sacrifice or give back anything of value. I've spent the last five years without contributing anything back to anyone but myself while I self destructed over and over at least once a month. But this relative heaven I have occupied undeservingly started to get rather boring. And I opted for hell over and over and lost everything. 

No magic. No self-evident intrinsic value or meaning in any of it. And the quick thrills and chills I chased minute to minute, with complete refusal to sacrifice anything that may not be guaranteed for what was guaranteed at the only moment that I knew to be exist. But threw my misguided and naive hedonistic philosophy, i destroyed myself. Anything but nothing. Boredom, to put it quite simply. The ultimate boredom. 

 But I won't stair at the wall and watch the paint peal until it's my time to parish...like a crab apple that's only fallen from the first frost of winter? Riddled with worms, and left to rot and be swallowed by the earth. 

I won't swim upstream for 2000 years just to end up learning what a dam isright before i make it back to that sweet fresh water salted nest I came from?

Fuck No!

 I will forge myself into a diamond threw my own voluntarily will, make whatever time I have left to to at least become a piece of coal instead of the worthless soft ice cream filled bird shit these easy times, and this easy life of privilege I was  so naive and weak to view as only a curse until recently?

 I can no longer waste my time taking the path of least resistance,and letting excuses and my fears find ways to rationalize myself into a completely selfish and delusional hell that I will unjustifiably die thinking I'm some sort of narcissistic nihilistic Marty. 

Threw sheer will I can and will throw myself into a fire every day from this day on and forward for the rest of my days. But I must be humble enough to recognize that it would be wise to start small and gradually build my tolerance over time and threw consistency.