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My number 18

18 yrs ago I fell for you...

18 yrs later you told me you feel something too...

I opened my heart and soul and told you how I’ve felt for every one of those 18 years. Within a month you took it all back, leaving me to feel every negative emotion imagineable with a gaping hole through my heart.

Maybe you were scared, maybe it was your truth, maybe its the reality of being friends and each having our own families.

Whatever it is, I found a way to temporarily cover the hole. Knowing that even though you took it all away, even for a moment it was real, it was true.

You will forever be my soulmate.


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Re: My number 18

From original author.

Part 2: Writing it down makes it feel scary and real.

It started 18yrs ago with my number 18, you could call it a first love, a first crush, an infatuation. Whatever it was (and is) I knew it was real. From the butterflies to the heartbeats to the pain and anguish of not understanding why it wasn’t mutual. I was ofcourse ultimately friendzoned (is that the term used today?). I never left her side, staying true to our friendship and supporting any decision she made, good or bad. Naturally as each of our relationships grew stronger, we drifted apart, still friends at the time but no longer 3hour phonecall friends.

More later...


From original author.

Part 3

Fast forward a few years, each of us are in their own relationships. We’re all friends, living our individual lives on the one hand, still relatively close as a group of friends on the other.

My love for my (now) wife grows, life is on track, going good.

Every now and again I would reminisce, I would wonder “was it really always only in my head? Was there absolutely nothing there? Did she not have a single clue?” I guess not. Life went on, life was good. But still, every now and again I got the reminders, the what ifs and the what could’ve been.

I’m addicted to happy endings, the underdogs who end up winning, the movies where the unexpected guy ends up with the girl. All those thoughts always led to her, and everytime I would allow them to be and slowly close that box and move on.

Life went on, life was good..... but deep down there was always a missing piece.


From original author

Part 4

18 years.... and without notice, as part of a happy celebration, smiles and dancing all round..... she whispered those three words. At first it seemed obvious, happy celebration, love in the air, everyone loves eachother, everyone tells eachother they love eachother right?

But then she said it again, deeper, more meaningful.... i... love... you. You hear the line being told in movies - “having the wind blown out of you” “getting hit by a train” “the ground disappearing from under your feet”. All the above, a true mix of emotions piercing through the heart and soul.

The next month would be a rollercoaster of emotions, each trying to make better sense of them, each understanding and being logical that these emotions can never take hold, each focusing trying to support eachother in our relationships. But the energy in the air when we were around eachother was explosive, scary... true!

And just as quickly as it came, it went away. Like the wind being blown out of me again. This time heartbreaking and soul crushing. She said the what I had always feared and deep down never wanted to hear.... I love you as a friend, I’ve been going through something, I don’t want to continue having these types of conversations and thoughts and feelings.

I smiled, with all the courage and love I have for her, I smiled.... and said I “understood” promising to not bring it up again. A promise which I could not keep.

I smiled, but not too deep down, I was crushed and left bleeding.