Being in a toxic, emotionally traumatic relationship did something to me I never even expected to happen to me. I am 24 years old. I have never talked about it but a lot of people that know me and my ex boyfriend would probably feel like they hit the lottery if they found this for a read and knew the background on what has really happened within the relationship. There’s a lot of people that don’t know, but some have an idea something was off. I was dealing with a narcissist. I don’t know what more to call it but the intensity of this narcissism had to of had a different name. It was like master manipulation. He would use physiological tools that I didn’t even know a human would ever want to use on another. They were used to bring me down to my very last trace of selfness and take my whole self away from me. I was always wrong especially for being with him and dating others before him. A little background, I was with this boy at a very young age we both took each others virginity’s. 13 years old. Of course we weren’t going to stay together with us both being very young and not knowing what a relationship was even made of. We split and went our separate ways but most people always knew us as each others “first loves”. Later on this is where the problem began. We both went through our high school years dating other people, we was the kids that skipped school, stayed out all night and act like we was adults. He went his way and I went mine. Time went on speed forward we ended up getting back together. Things were okay at first but he would say some weird things that would really throw me off, mostly pertaining to my past relationship. He would make me feel really bad about me and him not being together when we was younger, and that I should have never been with anyone else. As time went on things became very intense he would start talking about how I had sex with others and he wanted me to tell him every single detail of what we did, then perform it. He would make me stay awake all night ( I remember looking through the shades at my grandmas house and seeing the sun rise - we was only about 19 years old) and yell at me telling me how messed up I was making me really think I was so wrong and he made me feel so nasty. I loved him so I thought he was right. I wish he would have been the only person I was ever with as I thought as the time. He was making me physically perform these acts on him as I did my previous boyfriend. It made me feel weird. He would tell me he knew 2 people personally from our city and I was trash. I was young I was not married to him why would I have to worry about who he knew and didn’t ? But I felt WRONG. What he was doing was working. I felt as if he was right this is the man I lost my virginity to I should have just stayed with him and never had business making ties with absolutely anybody else. Nobody seen what was happening to me inside my head. I, myself did not notice this about myself until I look back at how drastically started to change me. The tools as I mentioned earlier started to come out as he began pulling me apart. He then exposed his most utter insecure side to me. Whatever pissed him off, he would take it out on me. I can remember times he would see something that made him upset on social media, whether it was his friend getting something new that he didn’t have or not being able to do something only single people typically do, he would take it out on me. I can remember very vividly him punching me, spitting in my face or throwing my phone at the dash board because he was upset. He would look at another mans photo, I can feel the envy in his eyes burning though it and turn to me to ask, “This is the type of shit you like huh.” Most of the time I was too scared to turn my head to look, especially at another mans photo, but sometimes that would result into another tool of mind manipulation if I did not answer. Head smackings, texting other girls in front of my face to show me how it “felt”, the most craziest things I have ever heard coming from someone I was supposed to be in love with. “This is my boyfriend he was there for me when nobody else was.” This is what I would tell myself and also remind myself that I was wrong in the first place for just not waiting on him to be ready. I would tell these things to myself to cope with the reality of what was really starting to happen. It got nothing but worse from here. When we turned 21 financial issues starting to arise because he experienced the casino, and boy did he play. I’m talking high limits, he was not satisfied with anything less than $50.00 a hand, going up to thousands. This is where I lost myself. I was already devoting my wholesome self to him as he drilled it in my head I was the one to be forgiven, not him. He did nothing wrong and I have been nothing but wrong this whole time from the start. So when he wanted to go to the casino, I would take him with no hesitation, and I would never dare to go in with him so I would simply sit in the parking lot until he was done. Sometimes being up to 6 hours. And since we was a couple and I was practicing my loyal ways towards him, of course, he would take my money too. This became a 3-4 times a day thing. If he lost, I would get mentally abused the whole ride home if not smacked right when he came out. Money comes and goes, so this was the next problem. At this point I was more than just scared of him. He had full control on my mind. What did he have over me as to why I didn’t leave him ? I ask myself this all the time. Maybe it was my ego to beable to prove myself worthy and capable of being a normal girl regardless if he was not the only person I’ve ever been with. That’s what he wanted. He wanted me to only naturally want him, right ? Here we go. He had the gambling problem. He needed more money. He brought the scheme to my attention as a joke. He was on a website that was for sugar daddy’s. He was laughing about it, even seeing people we knew from our city on there looking for the next old man that would be their contestant. He was fascinated with the fact these girls had an independent hustle using people for their money. But I never thought he would do this to me. He started spending a lot of the times on the websites, he would act as a girl. He found some photos that looked similar to me and posted them. I have very distinctive hair so finding someone with the same color and texture hair would easily pass. I was never aloud to look at these posts. Most of the time I wouldn’t even know what the post looked like or when it was updated because he would do all of that very discreetly, often when I was asleep. But just him being on there made him happy. I could tell. It was like he was in another world. IF YOU WANT ME TO KEEP WRITING COMMENT OR LIKE SO I CAN CONTINUE TOMORROW !