Four years ago I realized something isn't good with me. My best friend had her own group of friends and barely talked to me, I spent every second of every day alone because I didn't fit in with my class, so I started writing to spend my time. The first year wasn't so bad. The second one was the worst. My best friend sometimes talked to me when her group was arguing and she was alone, so I thought that she was using me. That same year I started to "cut" myself with a pencil, since my worst moments were at school and that's the only thing I had close. I only did it when I felt extremely guilty, but it started to get worse. I had a huge discussion with a friend because I felt like I was annoying her and maybe she wanted some alone time since sometimes I can get too enthusiastic. So she told her popular friend, and that friend to another friend, and so everyone knew, or so I thought. The same day, another friend of mine from a group of girls from my grade told me that she was afraid of me and that I was making her uncomfortable. But she wasn't the one who told me, it was other two of her friends who cornered me to tell me that. Why? Because she was scared I would hurt her? That moment I decided I didn't want to be that person who hurts her friends all the time, so I had a plan to come home and kill myself with pills. I wrote a letter to the first girl, but chickened out at last minute and threw it in the trash. She somehow still read it, and came to talk to me right before we left. I sometimes wish she wouldn't have, sometimes I wish I could've got through with my plan to finally end everything.
Last year wasn't so bad, same with this year, but I still feel, if not worse, that I'm always a bother to everyone. Now with quaratine I've been feeling a lot better, tho I know that isn't good since the only reason why I feel better is because I'm not surrounded by people all the time. This year I didn't get the chance to hurt anyone, but what's gonna happen next year or even this summer, when I have no excuse not to meet my friends? I feel like I'm being selfish every time I say no to a call because I'm putting myself first, I feel overwhelmed by the only thought that I'm gonna go out there and mess everything up because I don't know how to have a normal social interaction. I also feel selfish while writing this, because it isn't as bad as what many other people are struggling with. I'm tired of feeling like this, guilty because I'm putting myself first when I know I shouldn't, but every time I try to open to someone I can't help but think that they don't care, this isn't their life and I shouldn't be assuming that they'll want to hear my weird emo problems. They have other things to care about, probably more important. Why would I be a priority? Everything is more important than me, isn't it? After all I'm only another weird, socially awkward teen.