Things were supposed to bounce back or start to go back to normal last month. But my depression that was gone for years has returned in full form. Depression from a temporary loss of job (furlough), adjustment and anxiety from the possible permanent loss of the job (because they didn't contact me for months), and then depression from going back to my old job (survivor's guilt from the ones not coming back). It's gotten to the point where suicidal feelings are coming back. But I made someone a promise that I wouldn't let myself die anytime soon. Problem is, I'm deeply in love with her and she's married. She is my best friend and my world. Neither she nor I can think about the other dying, and we can't even joke about killing each other because of the thought of the other one dead is just too painful to fathom. And our chemistry pushes us somewhere past platonic, which complicates things because of her husband, who doesn't know that I crushed on her before I fell into like, lust, and love with her. She made me cum in a call the other day. She's given me gifts. I've sung and read to her. I won't get into the cooking either. I know she feels something more, and this is rough on her. I know their relationship is not the best one in their lives, but I'm not going to try to break them up. I'm going to respect these painful boundaries. I can't indulge in casual flings or friends with benefits or one night stands because I can't be with anyone sexually when there are no feelings involved.I'm going to go day by day, trying not to feel so lost even though I'm losing something, I won't act on my suicidal feelings out of respect for her even though part of me wants to stop all of this pain once and for all. I will not come in between them or put an end to their marriage even though she and I have a far stronger chemistry. I will simply exist in limbo until this sorts itself out or kills me.