I have been suicidal for awhile. Well I mean I never attempted but I have had suicidal ideation. The closet I’ve gotten was pouring a shit ton of pills into my hand before chickening out.
Anyways one night after going to a quarantine safe get together with a bunch of fake ass people I call friends, I came home depressed as usual. So while I was showering I had decided that I would finally do it.
the problem is I have high amounts of anxiety. and so I needed to do some research before I killed myself.
Turns out it’s easy-ish to survive an overdose. The fatality rate is low. You can decide if that’s good or bad. Also stomach pumps scare the shit out of me. Then I stumbled upon an article that said like “the more fatal the suicide attempt the more severe the depression.” Which made me decide on hanging myself. Of course hanging myself has many negative factors, it’s slow and painful, leaves time to regret everything, possible brain damage if you survive, etc. But that’s besides the point I just wanted to die.
And as I sat at my desk trying to figure out how I would hang myself it hit me. The fear that most people have when it comes to death. What comes next? The most terrifying thought came to my mind. What if I had to do this all again? That scared the shit out of me. Just the probability of having to live again.
Obviously I didn’t follow through as usual, instead I cried myself to sleep then acted like nothing happened the next day. But that thought really stuck with me. What if I have to do this again? That thought is what made everything feel real. All of my burn scars and sleepless nights became real. If I was going to die people would have my stuff and would be able to read my personal shit. It all hit me so suddenly.
In the end I decided to just continue with my self harm because I use temporary pain to avoid the long term shit.
have a night day/night
(tldr) didn’t commit suicide because, “what if I have to do this all again?” shit became real and I decided to go back to just plain and simple self harm.