At this moment, I am just feeling stupid and confused. I know what to do and how to do it but I'm just so stupid to the point that I don't end up doing them. These times have given me an avenue for self reflection upon where I'm headed. I have an exam to write, I have goals, skills that I want to achieve and learn. I have so many things to do and too little to do it. What is even more depressing is that time isn't on my side. 18 years an I'm an adult ready eligible to get sh*t done. But I have to get the pre-required knowledge and skills to get them done. In the name of trying to belong, which never happened, I have done things that I have forgotten and now that I remember I feel scarred. I feel like that guy that might never reach his place and dissapoint myself and all that will look up to me.One major bad habit that looks like the blockade to my life is pornography. I'm not a chronic masturbator but still, I realize that I cannot stop even if I wanted to. I ask myself sometimes, How the hell did I even get into this habit of wanking?. Not long, I was thinking of how I'll invent something for myself. But now I'm trying to master self control. If I have to get anywhere in my life. I need self control.There is a saying: A man without self control is a city without walls. I remember how I feel after 7 days and it feels great. I have a porn blocker but thanks to my ever creative brain that only seems to be creative when it comes to porn, I keep finding some loophole. By loopholes, I don't mean proxies, I mean clone websites, social media, torrents and platforms that probably the guys who made the pron blockers did not think of. However, I make a rule, When I find a door, I close it (but not after using it)I wish to tell someone but how? I have been caught before by my parents and it hurt them. And I promised them that I'll stop and it was only temporary. In the end, I ended up refining my strategies to the point that it is almost impossible to catch me as I'm fucking patient (which bugs me sometimes) and planned on how I watched it, even when it is a bad habit. I have told someone lately, but the person is far away, so can he even tell whether I fapped today.I feel like shit and I know that it is'nt easy and I must master the art of delayed gratification but when will I stop. I've heard of how porn has ruined lives and it's all about enjoying something unrealistic so I must stop but I don't know if I'll ever, I have closed another door I found today and i hope not find another door when I'm tensed up but only God can help me.