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My Thanatophobia Experience

Hi there this is for either someone who has thanatophobia or if you have heard about it or if you just want to hear a little bit about how it feels to have it. First things first, thanatophobia is the fear of the thought of death or a loved one dying

In my panic attacks, I feel lost. I feel like I'm trapped inside myself and I'm falling at the same time… I feel like I can't get out and there's no escape to it… it's horrible. You either stay there for an entire minute or you just stay there until something “wakes you up”. For example, one time I was taking a shower (yes, its a little funny but it was random) I was singing a twenty-one pilots song and it reminded me of how the future will be. That's when it came back. It felt like I was sinking and as if I had nowhere to go. It was terrifying. If a normal kid my age would call getting into deep trouble terrifying, then mine would feel like if you have just seen a ghost. That also killed you. Then made you walk through fire. Then ate you up. Then threw you in the ocean and stared at you while you drown. Yep, that's how horrible it is. I know I keep repeating the same thing but its a really bad experience.

I think all of it started around a few years ago or two. It was when I realized my father could die in a few years since he is very old. That's when I started questioning death. What will happen after I die? Will I see everyone in heaven? Will I incarnate? Or will you just stop living and just stop and you will not remember anything? Not even remember, will everything just be a black space of nothing? In my case, it's very hard to explain, just as hard as it is to live with these crazy little moments that come and go. You could be thinking right now: Why don't you just stop thinking about death? Well, I try but these little moments are random but sometimes they keep happening when I either write about it or talk about it or even think about a birthday party. I can't seem to control it, which makes it even scarier.