My thoughts on Paper

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I feel scared when my mum is at home. She works a job that she hates and hates coming home at night. She hates our house and doesn’t want to be in it, so she works, continuing a circle of low morale and depression. I’m confident she has depression and is a workaholic, feeling guilty when she isn’t working. I sit downstairs so that I can open the door when she gets home and ask her how her day was, knowing that she will smile tiredly and say “Ok” before telling me all the bad shit she has to put up with. My sister has OCD and finds it hard to be downstairs than to walk out the front door, leaving me alone with mum. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her, scared that she would shout of blow up at any moment. I hate weekends as spending 2 full days with her is terrifying. She will fall asleep and I’ll be scared to wake her up so that she makes tea as I know that she will be even more depressed if it gets too late. I feel responsible for the state of the house and I’m tired of being the one who has to communicate with them both and it’s hard. I want my sister to stay downstairs when mums home but I know that’s impossible with her OCD and I want my mum to be happy, but that isn’t going to happen. I feel miserable at home and sometimes I know I can be the problem.

I don’t want to have children because of this. My interpretation of my family dynamic is something I don’t want to express and pass on to anyone. I don’t feel as if I’ll be able to have a relationship with someone, just as friends or romantic. I also think I’m pathetic as I watch a lot of queer shit and really want to be gay. I’m in love with the idea of being with woman and it’s stupid. Maybe I’m trying to be someone I’m not to get attention, I don’t fucking know. I want to talk to someone, someone I can rant to, but I know before that can happen my sister needs to see someone to confirm her OCD and my mum needs to talk to someone who will help her with her many struggles. I shouldn’t feel this way as I’m the one with no problems and it’s my job to help them both.

I don’t know how to sign these things off and if anyone reads this, have a nice day and thank you for at least reading what I have managed to translate into words.

Thank you.