Love is so exciting during it's infancy. New possibilities, new excitement, and a new person to let your soul surf a little with - such a good feeling compared to riding the waves alone. Such a good feeling.
She's great, this one I found. Oh, she's wonderful. She makes me feel so youthful in my heart [love sigh]. You know, the image she puts out, the versade she created, is beautiful. But getting to know her, in depth, and being in the presence of her natural beauty was such an honour, and is her true beauty that I fell in love with. I got to know this bold, big mouthed cutie-pie who loves to troll and laugh and eat and talk about poop lol - how could I not be interested in her? My interest never stopped. Neither has my love.
I know her for so long now that I sometimes forget how she is before we has love interest. She's straight forward, playful and confident - she loves people but will also tell them off if she has to; It's wierd, actually, because she has struggled with this throughout her life yet she does it so well. I wonder if she doesn't see authority and respect in herself, perhaps? She should, her spirit is something that demands respect. Lol she's such a baby around me, though. I guess a tough cookie needs to be dipped in some warm tea now and then. I respect her even when she's soft, I wonder if she knows that. My respect for her has never stopped, neither has my reverence to her righteous authority (in the rare times it comes out).
She's such a great artist. I've never been so challenged, artistically, or work wise by a female before. Her drive, her eye, her work is so special and unique. She intimidates me as an artist and I want to do better because of her. I'm no way near her calibre. I wonder if she sees how dope her creation is, I hope she hasn't stopped believing in the path her art creates. She does something to my heart with her talent, it has made me a believer in her from as long as I can remember; my belief in her has never stopped. Neither has my support.
There are so many reasons, other than these, that made me move instinctually to water her, my Wildflower, and nourish her and trim some of the thorns off. I got hurt a few times. I guess I didn't fully know what I was getting into. I just hoped that it would be different this time with a relationship after my toxic ex. I had hope - a lot - and so a lot of dissapointments too, soon followed. But alas it is time to move my Wildflower out of my garden and into the forest where God is calling her; her growth is powerful and deep - she needs space to continue. She cannot grow and nourish my garden at the same time...I understand that. I wonder if she sees how much she's grown, my baby girl. I'm so fucking proud of her...I never tell her that because, well, I'm an idiot + you know how these 'I'm independent don'ttell me nun' females are with feeling patronized. I wonder if she sees her growth? I hope she still has fight in her to remove the poison from her thorns and keep growing. I still fight for her, even though I said to her I wouldn't - I do it in the spirit realm now, the most important battle.
I'd love to see her smile again. Happy. Genuinely happy. I miss that, I miss myself - because back then I could make her happy. Now I'm just a hurt beast who will attack if she comes too close. I strongly believe she will find true happiness this time, because she's being called...I haven't told her this but the signs are everywhere: God wants his child back, and he will protect and nurture his own flower because she's made for something great. I hope she still prays, genuinely and without any stance of defiance. My prayers have never stopped for her, neither has my good will.
It sucks that you have to choose. Not because of the choices, they're great...It's just that I've been through the effects of 'choice' with you so many times. Bad choices, good choices and the lack of choice - uncertainty. I'm afraid to tell her how much I love her and how much I need the nectar and nourishment she can provide because I don't want to steer her off course from what she needs to do for herself - she already struggles to nourish me consistantly, how can I expect her to do her and me? And I won't do that to her. I've pushed her away enough that she, too, has given up on us anyway. And that's okay. I miss her a lot. I can't say these things to her anymore...but I miss her.
I'm falling asleep here...lemmi go.
My prayers and heart remain with you. I love you, woman.