Apparently, I'm narcissistic.For some unknown reasons, I was never aware that I was easily influenced by my environment. To add to that, I suffered a head injury that caused me to have the mindset of a spoiled, moody, arrogant 17yo. Everyone around me was aware of my condition except for me. My environment after the head injury was organic to protect me in a way. During the 15yrs of being in this state I made many mistakes and hurt others unaware of how my behavior affected others. Some of those things included talking shit, which everyone does, having no regard for others cc. Which I picked up from someone I dated, making bad decisions like shop lifting because of the 2 friends I have who I seem to make poor decisions with when I'm around them at times. Prior to this I never stole a day in my life, smoked, never cared for alcohol. I recently came out if this mindless state only to feel a mixture of emotions that I'm still trying to figure out. My current reality is nothing I could even imagine. I never knew that every thing I said and did was being monitored. My private moments being recorded. Ever since realizing this I started putting more pieces together only to have feelings of anger because I'm being gaslighted although it was known to these same ppl that I couldn't help myself. I am actively trying to correct my behavior only to realize how much my own mother has had a hand in this. For months I watch her and everyone around me and as I confirm the gaslighting I'm forced to act dumb and allow others to mis-analyze me not realizing I'm the way I am because I know and I'm fucking pissed. Why would I want to be all happy knowing everytime I take a shit someone is watching me? I'm being monitored and gaslighted in my own apartment, my car which I thought was my only private space has a camera watching me pick my nose, I go to work I'm being monitored, my cell phone is monitored, my movements are tracked, my calls aren't private and shit gets repeated or played out before my eyes deliberately as punishment for the things I did. Which is interesting because I notice how much the same ppl talk shit about each other only to get me to talk shit with them, while crucifying me for all the setups they walked me into prior to me coming out of the state of mind I was in. These same people like my mother talks shit about my sister constantly and I did the same shit because I heard her do it. I mindlessly repeated things that was said to me and not just her. My friends all stole shit and I get crucified for behavior that I couldn't help due to a head injury that they were all aware of but lie and say they didn't when everything suggests they did. I guess I'm supposed to smile while knowing that I'm being played for a sucker... I guess I'm not entitled to feel the way I do and treat others the way I been treating them for this reason. Maybe I just want some privacy. Everyone has secrets and private moments and I have none. It's extremely heartbreaking and makes me deteriorate because I feel humiliated on so many levels and I feel violated as a female in many ways. I can't go to therapy because if I have no privacy now, I'm sure I'll have none there so I'm left to write these messages here because I have no one else to talk to or that I trust. It's nothing to do with being bi-polar, arrogant, or narcissistic. I am this way because I am trying to understand why I have no privacy and how long has this been going on because it feels longer than 15yrs. I just want privacy and then I wouldn't be so "toxic" but until then, I have to be this way as a defense mechanism to being gaslighted.