Lol I know I should be grateful for the life I have, that I don’t have to sleep in a bin, that I don’t have to drink brown water, but all I can think is that my life is shit. people say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That’s not always the case and isn’t with me. I’ll tell you why. im a 12 y/o pansexual girl and I’m just about to finish my first term of year 7. I live in England, in a town which is surrounded by countryside. I live with my parents, my younger brother and my dog. I go to a secondary school with roughly 1800 students and 200 staff. I have OCD, possibly suicidal ideation and possibly anxiety or paranoid or something similar. My parents have no idea that there’s anything wrong with me and think I’m normal. most mornings, when I wake up I always have this dread of school. Like an extreme dread that makes you cry. This means that it takes me 30-45 mins to get changed and brush my teeth which usually leads to awkward questions from my parents. When I get to school, all I can think god the first hour or so is “I need to get outta here”. Some days I go into the girls toilets and stag in a cubicle until the bell goes. I always wait until all the other girls have left though because I don’t want them to think I’ve been in there for ages. I’m not extremely unhappy at school, its just quite stressful and sorta empty. I thought I was good at art. One art lesson made me realise that actually I’m shit. I’m good at digital art but only drawing warrior cats. I thought I was good at English. One assessment showed me that I’d dropped from above age level to emerging. I thought that I was good at school. I’m actually crap. The only lessons I half-enjoy are maths and Spanish. That’s because I have nice teachers in those subjects. I sorta like DT and IT because you don’t have to do any proper work. Only sorta. That’s it tho. I hate all the other subjects. At primary, I had this best friend (I’ll call her A). She is a trans girl, is lesbian, has BPD and possibly asperges. She’s the best friend I’ve ever had and I still love her. When we first started secondary, it was just the same except we couldn’t talk to each other in lessons because the few that we’re in together, we are on opposite sides of the room. She’s so funny. She can turn anything into a hilarious joke. We used to spend ages just chatting and laughing. We got quite close and then she told me about her BPD. I never doubted our friendship because of that and never will. I still loved her as much as before. Over lockdown, I FaceTimed her a lot. About 1-2 times a week. Sometimes more. Then over lockdown, I developed feelings for her as more of a friend. When we finally saw each other again, my feelings didn’t change. we used to sit with all the other kids from our primary (there were about 12 of us) and eat lunch with them. Then she started asking me to go away. Not in a bad way, she just wanted some space. I don’t think it was bad other or anything, I completely agree with it, but our relationship changed a little after that. Then half way through the first half term, I texted her and told her that I had depression (at the time I thought I had depression, I think now that it wax just OCD). She took it perfectly well. But we have never spoken a word about it. I then in half term break, told her that I had suicidal ideation. (I’m not so sure if I have it now. It’s a lpossibilty but I’m not sure.) she took this ok as well but did ask me multiple times to get help. I of course refused. We have a year 7 girls group chat with loads of year 7 girls (a few boys and others as well). 4 or 5 weeks ago, someone sent a message saying something like: join✏️Me✏️My✏️Pencil✏️Children✏️And✏️We✏️Shall✏️Destroy✏️The✏️Pens✏️Together✏️If✏️You✏️Do✏️Not✏️Join✏️Then✏️I✏️Will✏️Be✏️Forced✏️To✏️Sacrafice✏️You✏️In✏️Flames🔥 they meant it as a joke (obviously) and some of us (girls on the group chat) replied and we pretended to worship this person who sent he message and called them pencil master. We then created a group chat for the pencils and we decided to meet in real life at school. I brought my friend along to the meeting and so there are 3 people I’ve known before. Ever since, we’ve been a friendship group. They are nice and friendly but we don’t laugh much. Lately, I’ve been crying at night because I miss A so much. I also feel so guilty. I promised that I’d never abandon her and she has BPD and what do I go and do? Leave her. I miss her so much and it’s even worse because it’s my fault. I text her loads but we only have around one very short conversation about once a week in person. Usually I don’t even make eye contact with her. We have never discussed our mental health issues in person, just through text. I could go and talk to her at school. She’s even in my tutor group. Yet I can’t. I could go text her right now and say “I miss you”. But I can’t. I miss her so much but I’m scared of what my new friends will think and of what A will think. there are also other things but I have no idea what. Part of OCD is it makes me think or feel things that I’m absoloutely certain about that have no reason at all to be thought of how I think of them. That’s why I can’t tell A that I miss her and why I don’t want to go to school in the morning. I do have many other OCD symptoms but I can’t be bothered to write them all down I feel very strongly about the planet. I am very aware of climate change, deforestation, plastic etc. I haven’t eaten palm oil for 2 years and I'm vegetarian. I’m going to give my life to the planet. I’m planning to enter politics and make the world more eco-friendly and a better place in other ways as well. My dream is to move to either Portugal or Cornwall and open a shop for handmade books (I bookbinding for a hobby), meet someone, have 2 or 3 kids/adopt depending on gender of partner. I wish I could do that. I wish I could do what I want with my life. But the world comes before my happiness. So I will give up my life for it. now I will prove that saying “suicide is a permenant solution to a temporary problem” wrong. OCD can not be cured, only treated. Climate Change, deforestation and plastic are far from temporary, at least in my lifetime. I may kill myself, I may not. If in 10 years (when climate change will become irreversible if we do nothing) climate change becomes irreversible, I think it’s likely that I’ll kill myself. I may do so before, though. thank you for reading. This took me an hour and a half to write. All I’m looking for is just some solutions to any of my problems. I’d be really grateful if you’d reply with what you think I could do. also sorry for typing this out all posh, it’s not intentional

Lol I know I should be grateful for the life I have, that I don’t have to sleep in a bin, that I don’t have to drink brown water, but all I can think is that my life is shit.people say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That’s not always the case and isn’t with me. I’ll tell you why.im a 12 y/o pansexual girl and I’m just about to finish my first term of year 7. I live in England, in a town which is surrounded by countryside. I live with my parents, my younger brother and my dog. I go to a secondary school with roughly 1800 students and 200 staff. I have OCD, possibly suicidal ideation and possibly anxiety or paranoid or something similar. My parents have no idea that there’s anything wrong with me and think I’m normal.most mornings, when I wake up I always have this dread of school. Like an extreme dread that makes you cry. This means that it takes me 30-45 mins to get changed and brush my teeth which usually leads to awkward questions from my parents. When I get to school, all I can think god the first hour or so is “I need to get outta here”. Some days I go into the girls toilets and stag in a cubicle until the bell goes. I always wait until all the other girls have left though because I don’t want them to think I’ve been in there for ages. I’m not extremely unhappy at school, its just quite stressful and sorta empty.I thought I was good at art. One art lesson made me realise that actually I’m shit. I’m good at digital art but only drawing warrior cats. I thought I was good at English. One assessment showed me that I’d dropped from above age level to emerging. I thought that I was good at school. I’m actually crap. The only lessons I half-enjoy are maths and Spanish. That’s because I have nice teachers in those subjects. I sorta like DT and IT because you don’t have to do any proper work. Only sorta. That’s it tho. I hate all the other subjects. At primary, I had this best friend (I’ll call her A). She is a trans girl, is lesbian, has BPD and possibly asperges. She’s the best friend I’ve ever had and I still love her. When we first started secondary, it was just the same except we couldn’t talk to each other in lessons because the few that we’re in together, we are on opposite sides of the room. She’s so funny. She can turn anything into a hilarious joke. We used to spend ages just chatting and laughing. We got quite close and then she told me about her BPD. I never doubted our friendship because of that and never will. I still loved her as much as before. Over lockdown, I FaceTimed her a lot. About 1-2 times a week. Sometimes more. Then over lockdown, I developed feelings for her as more of a friend. When we finally saw each other again, my feelings didn’t change. we used to sit with all the other kids from our primary (there were about 12 of us) and eat lunch with them. Then she started asking me to go away. Not in a bad way, she just wanted some space. I don’t think it was bad other or anything, I completely agree with it, but our relationship changed a little after that. Then half way through the first half term, I texted her and told her that I had depression (at the time I thought I had depression, I think now that it wax just OCD). She took it perfectly well. But we have never spoken a word about it. I then in half term break, told her that I had suicidal ideation. (I’m not so sure if I have it now. It’s a lpossibilty but I’m not sure.) she took this ok as well but did ask me multiple times to get help. I of course refused. We have a year 7 girls group chat with loads of year 7 girls (a few boys and others as well). 4 or 5 weeks ago, someone sent a message saying something like:join✏️Me✏️My✏️Pencil✏️Children✏️And✏️We✏️Shall✏️Destroy✏️The✏️Pens✏️Together✏️If✏️You✏️Do✏️Not✏️Join✏️Then✏️I✏️Will✏️Be✏️Forced✏️To✏️Sacrafice✏️You✏️In✏️Flames🔥they meant it as a joke (obviously) and some of us (girls on the group chat) replied and we pretended to worship this person who sent he message and called them pencil master. We then created a group chat for the pencils and we decided to meet in real life at school. I brought my friend along to the meeting and so there are 3 people I’ve known before.  Ever since, we’ve been a friendship group. They are nice and friendly but we don’t laugh much. Lately, I’ve been crying at night because I miss A so much. I also feel so guilty. I promised that I’d never abandon her and she has BPD and what do I go and do? Leave her. I miss her so much and it’s even worse because it’s my fault. I text her loads but we only have around one very short conversation about once a week in person. Usually I don’t even make eye contact with her. We have never discussed our mental health issues in person, just through text. I could go and talk to her at school. She’s even in my tutor group. Yet I can’t. I could go text her right now and say “I miss you”. But I can’t. I miss her so much but I’m scared of what my new friends will think and of what A will think. there are also other things but I have no idea what. Part of OCD is it makes me think or feel things that I’m absoloutely certain about that have no reason at all to be thought of how I think of them. That’s  why I can’t tell A that I miss her and why I don’t want to go to school in the morning. I do have many other OCD symptoms but I can’t be bothered to write them all downI feel very strongly about the planet. I am very aware of climate change, deforestation, plastic etc. I haven’t eaten palm oil for 2 years and I'm vegetarian.  I’m going to give my life to the planet. I’m planning to enter politics and make the world more eco-friendly and a better place in other ways as well. My dream is to move to either Portugal or Cornwall and open a shop for handmade books (I bookbinding for a hobby), meet someone, have 2 or 3 kids/adopt depending on gender of partner. I wish I could do that. I wish I could do what I want with my life. But the world comes before my happiness. So I will give up my life for it.now I will prove that saying “suicide is a permenant solution to a temporary problem” wrong.OCD can not be cured, only treated. Climate Change, deforestation and plastic are far from temporary, at least in my lifetime. I may kill myself,  I may not. If in 10 years (when climate change will become irreversible if we do nothing) climate change becomes irreversible, I think it’s likely that I’ll kill myself. I may do so before, though. thank you for reading. This took me an hour and a half to write. All I’m looking for is just some solutions to any of my problems. I’d be really grateful if you’d reply with what you think I could do.also sorry for typing this out all posh, it’s not intentional

the only way I can relate to you is feeling that feeling of dread. like something is going to happen. and the awkward conversation with parents. listen, im not one for confrontation but If i were you id lay all the cards out on the table meaning, id take a moment and visit each one of my problems and try and find some sort of semi-solution for them. meaning telling someone or writing down how i feel or even just ignoring it all together. as for the suicidal thoughts, i know im supposed to beg you not to do it. to think about all the people who depend on you and care about you. and you can listen to that or not. personally some days i want to just be gone. the feeling of anxiety and what not become to much and i just want to end it all but i dont. for me just focusing on small things to look forward to like "a new cool video games coming out and well i obviously cant play it if im dead" or "my favorite shows coming on this evening i cant wait.", "i cant wait to see what im getting for christmas." i dont know, im sorry if this dosent help. i wish you all the best.

the only way I can relate to you is feeling that feeling of dread. like something is going to happen. and the awkward conversation with parents. listen, im not one for confrontation but If i were you id lay all the cards out on the table meaning, id take a moment and visit each one of my problems and try and find some sort of semi-solution for them. meaning telling someone or writing down how i feel or even just ignoring it all together.as for the suicidal thoughts, i know im supposed to beg you not to do it. to think about all the people who depend on you and care about you. and you can listen to that or not. personally some days i want to just be gone. the feeling of anxiety and what not become to much and i just want to end it all but i dont.for me just focusing on small things to look forward to like "a new cool video games coming out and well i obviously cant play it if im dead" or "my favorite shows coming on this evening i cant wait.", "i cant wait to see what im getting for christmas."i dont know, im sorry if this dosent help. i wish you all the best.

Re: Need answers to my problems. ‼️PLEASE REPLY‼️

Hi. I´m BPD too so I hoope I could help you with your friend. She needs you. For us, relationships are fragile, we are afraid of being abandoned, we love intensely and we suffer in the same way. We don't open up to many people for fear of rejection and if she opened up to you it is because you are important to her. She needs you the same way you need her. She thinks about you but she is afraid to talk to you. If you killed yourself you would leave her alone because you are important to her. About the climate change...nobody knows what will happen in 10 years, all are suppositions but there is something that is true. Every day you are alive is a day you enjoy being alive. Don't worry now about what will happen in ten or twenty years. Enjoy with your friend every moment you can and if the worst happens at least you will have lived a life with many happy memories. P.S.1 If your friend doesn't feel comfortable with other people, it's okay. Give her space and spend time with her without your other friendsP.S.2 Avoid hanging out with people who send you strange messages. Things can go wrong.P.S.3 If you think or feel that something is not right, don't do it. If others do, don't follow them. P.S.4If someone forces you to do something you don't want to, run.

Hi. I´m BPD too so I hoope I could help you with your friend.She needs you. For us, relationships are fragile, we are afraid of being abandoned, we love intensely and we suffer in the same way. We don't open up to many people for fear of rejection and if she opened up to you it is because you are important to her. She needs you the same way you need her. She thinks about you but she is afraid to talk to you. If you killed yourself you would leave her alone because you are important to her. About the climate change...nobody knows what will happen in 10 years, all are suppositions but there is something that is true. Every day you are alive is a day you enjoy being alive. Don't worry now about what will happen in ten or twenty years. Enjoy with your friend every moment you can and if the worst happens at least you will have lived a life with many happy memories.P.S.1 If your friend doesn't feel comfortable with other people, it's okay. Give her space and spend time with her without your other friendsP.S.2 Avoid hanging out with people who send you strange messages. Things can go wrong.P.S.3 If you think or feel that something is not right, don't do it. If others do, don't follow them. P.S.4If someone forces you to do something you don't want to, run.