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Needed to rant, have a lovely day

Depression sucks. I hate it when people talk to me and nothing is good anymore, I’m such a discount version of what I could be and it really sucks. Everyday I get more and more depressed and sick of just existence and I really hate it. It all sounds cheesy but there’s something wrong with me. I’ve always been destined to never amount to anything. Or just never make the cut, im just always below where I could be. Everyone cares until the conversation is over then all of a sudden it never happened, just like how change never happens. Why can’t it? I see no reason why it can’t? Maybe it’s because my needs are to much of a burden. When I look at you with a sad angry expression don’t tell me that it’s wrong, cause I have no control over it. I can’t look up at you beaming cause i don’t have that ability currently. I don’t know what I did to make the world hate me. Is it because I say I love you to early? Was one of my natural human behaviors a sin or something? How dare I sit back and be traumatized without having any control. I want to be happy but I’m not. And people act like if you laugh for a while or something your automatically happy forever, “oh you were just laughing a while ago tho-“ being depressed doesn’t mean I won’t laugh at a joke. I’m just still sad after that’s done. I get out of bed only to sit in the same spot on the couch. My body hurts and and aches, it cracks loudly and the smallest of movements. My head feels like someone’s hammering it from the inside and my mental health makes my heart hurt. I’m lonely, I want the person who lays in bed wth you at night and lets you cry. They tell you it’ll be okay. They make you know it’ll be okay. But people dislike it when I’m okay, cause they always seem to find a way to fuck it up