Time Spent- 54s
2 Visitors

Never enough

Sometimes it feels so overwhelming to be myself almost suffocating. Lately I pretend as though I see the world through a sense or a screen and all the suffering is not directing affecting me but rather a the peeson who's life I'm watching. I know it's superficial of me but I don't feel pretty enough. Being a sexually confused and ftastruated teenager in a world with so many standards including the ones my parents set for me is so toxic. I live in a small developing part of the world were homosexuality is considered weird and when I opened up to my parents about it at the age of 12 their response was heart breaking. They treated me as though I was suffering from a horibble disease and distances them selves the years to come. My father being the self involved and busy man he is never had or bothered to form a relationship with me. He rather chose choice moments to criticize me and compare me to other people. I was an ugly child, I'll admit but I never saw it until night school were the bullying started. I burnt all my photos as a child in protest and it's the reason I don't take pictures to this day. I will never forget the words uttered to a oblivious young me as they haunt me to this day. "Your too ugly to be loved..are just fee of the words said to me of which I believe to this day. I have "glowed up" since then, making my looks an obsession. Considering by the age of 13 I already had 6 failed suicide attempts. I blamed myself and I still do for looking that way. Sometimes I blamed my parents for not aborting me. I even almost killed my father twice. My mother said her share of bad words to me, ones i keep by my heart whicj fuel my anguish and hate for her. After i overdosed and she brougjt me from the hospital and suicide attempt 4 she looked me in the eyes and gave me the most selfish speech in the world. Itwas at that moment i knew no ome loved me, not my mother, nor my father, i didnt even love myself. I dreamed and prayed that i could wake up as someone else amd that this was just a bad dream. I have built up so much hate over the years that I am now a toxic person. I am incapable of loving another human being which has led me to do horrendous acts to my younger sister and caused daily fits of rage and sadness. I don't know what to do. I feel numb but sad at the same time.