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New year same story!

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I want to write a whole book of how I feel and what is wrong with my life, but honestly I dont know what is wrong with my life. I come to the conclusion that that I am the problem every time. I wish I could be an individual. I want to cry 24/7 and I am depressed all the time. The thing that makes thing the worst is that even though everyone say they're there for me, but honestly that's not true. I am in pain so much pain constantly and I want to get it out but I feel I am invalid for having feelings. I have been sent to the mental hospital four times and honestly I like being there more than home because of the fact I can be one- hundred percent honest. I moved almost two years ago to Texas, but I can't wait to leave. I have dark humor and I am pansexual and I dont think my sister can except that fact.... I feel my self sinking and honestly I dont even know how I got here. I take responsibility for what I have done wrong. I honestly didn't think id make it this far. I have an urge to run away, just be free from everyone. I have a problem with have sex and I acknowledge it. I NEED HELP!!!!!! I dont know what to do anymore. My birthday is coming up really soon and I'll be 18. I just want to be done. I wanna go to college, want a apartment.