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No more

I cannot go on anymorenwith this life! Honestly no matter how I try to look at my life with all of the positives within it there is just something which always makes me lose my head. It can be the slightest thing from peoples behaviour (even more so at the moment with the pandemic) to the smallest of things such as how I sit day in day out thinking about how to end it all. I have a family and i find myself thinking about how they would cope without me in the world anymore? Will they be ok? Do they need me as a partner? Do they need their dad? Who will take care of them if I'm not here? Their mother would most likely be ok wouldnt she? All these questions going round in my head. Some days it's all good and I can keep the thoughts to the back of my mind, others I just want to be alone smashing the fuck out of something with my bare hands, not caring about what's happening to them or the pain I'm inflicting on myself my life does not matter. I'm tired of looking at how i can improve myself and how i should react and behave around others what about me? Do I not matter when was the last time I did something for me? When was the last time others allowed me to or was ok with me doing something for myself? Never that's when my thoughts and purpose do not count in life so why do I bother continuing with it