It hurts to admit it but when I stopped believing in God everything got so much more difficult. To be clear I do not regret my decision not to turn away from the faith and I am now an Atheist. But I’ve begun to recognize that it’s hard when you can’t pray away the pain. Before I could pretend to believe there was a plan I didn’t have to know everything and every mistake I made could be instantly forgiven with a prayer. I didn’t have to think about what happens after I die or why I was born because I already had some fabricated answer on speed dial. When I was having a bad day I could look at the sky or clasp my hands and all was suddenly better. But that’s not how the world works and there’s no deity on above planning my future for me and some mistakes are permanent and someday I’m going to be ashes and dust and I very well could have not been born and there’s no escape. You can’t ask some god for something, suddenly you have to do a lot more than pray to accomplish your goals, which now seem a lot more unrealistic and you have nothing to believe in but yourself and your not some gods creation you’re just a fucking imperfect human on a messed up world. For a while I’ve hated those naïve people who seem to believe in religion simply because it’s what they want to hear, what you want to hear is hardly ever true, but I never considered the alternative. And it really sucks.
Sometimes I find myself looking at the sky or folding my hands or mindlessly rehearsing a memorized prayer when I’m having a bad day, just out of habit or instinct I guess, but I always get upset at myself when I do. It confuses me how much I can hate the idea of a deity one day and the second when things get hard my hands are foolishly clasped as if praying to a god I don’t believe in for the faith to believe in him.