I just had a big, ol' cry in the bathroom and decided I needed to find some way to let the bad feelings out of me. I don't know if it'll work, I don't know if I'll still be sad tomorrow, I don't know if I'll feel better, but I googled, "Anonymous number to text for depression," and this will do.I'm a guy. But, haha, here's the thing: I don't have the body of a guy. Isn't that great? Genetics really had to go and fuck me over with this transgender bullshit. It feels terrible! You don't look right! You look in the mirror, and you think, "I have short hair, I like that, my shoulders aren't narrow," and you're feeling pretty good but then BOOM! Breasts! I don't want to come out. Like anyone will actually accept me! Sure, maybe my mum will be cool with it, but I'm a TEENAGER! There are so many fucking idiotic, intolerant high school students in the world! Every time I hear someone utter the word, "Trans," my heart drops, 'cause I know it's never gonna be in a positive light.I've told one person in real life that I'm trans and I felt safe doing it 'cause I know how LGBT-friendly she is, and that she'd understand. It was still hard saying the words to her, just saying them out loud, "Um, well, I, uh, th-think that I'm a... I-I-I think I might be... a b-boy." That's how I'm pretty sure I phrased it. It's so uncomfortable. Everything about the concept is uncomfortable.Okay, but HERE'S the point that's really depressing me. I just wish I passed in public. I just wish I didn't have to buy a binder, didn't have to tell a soul, and people would be able to tell I'm a guy. Really, I just want to be cis. BUT I'm NOT. And if I don't TELL anyone, how is anyone supposed to KNOW I'm transgender?!I can't help but feel like they should be able to tell. "Hey, that girl that used to have long hair shaved her head and now she's always wearing a jacket, nothing weird about that."Every night. I look at my chest. And think of scalpels. Get. Rid of them.Hopefully I'll talk to my mum when she comes home in a few days. Wish me luck.