im 17 and i deeply hate myself. i constantly tell everyone that i am beautiful, fine, doing great. im a awkward but everyone finds it cute, i hate it. they say im humble when i tell them that theyre beautiful than me. because its true. i hate everything about me. every part of me, i resent it. my personality towards others, i resent it. when it comes to people, im the type that tries to please them by allowing them what they want to do and what they tell me. im scared of that. i rarely refuse anyone. im scared of that.
for the whole junior highschool life, ive thought of committing suicide once i graduated in senior. now im in my 11th grade. everyday at morning, night, i tell myself "should i just do it now?" i convince myself no because there are more things to do before dying. but still. the thought of committing suicide haunts me to the very day.
never have i ever told anyone what i feel for the whole years. ive bottled up everything inside to this point. when im alone, thinking about it cries. when im in a presence of someone, thinking about it makes me want to cry but theres a person. who would cry to another. there was this moment that my mom asked what was wrong and i only gave her half the truth. it didnt feel good, just made me even sad.
recently i made a mistake with my aunt, and she's the type to hold a grudge and (never) forgive. (thats my impression of her) so for the past days she's been ignoring me and whenever i ask a question she'd answer coldheartedly. something similar happened like this once with my nephew. she acted so cold towards her that they couldnt take it anymore, they had to move her to another relative's house. now its my turn. its my fault. i hate me and i hate her. i hate her so much. and i hate me so much for making the mistake. i feel like this is going to be the breaking point because everything is just too heavy now. i want to cry but i cant. i want to scream out but i cant.
ive been thinking about committing suicide. but how? i dont want to die slowly and painfully. i want it to be done in one go. it sounds so selfish and ridiculous, which is why i dont want to commit suicide at the same time too. i thought about cutting myself but im too self conscious on how my body looks like. i would feel better if i did but i knew that there were be markings or scars left behind so i avoid it.
im so sad it hurts to express it.