I’m so unloved and hated, suicide prevention just hung up on me.
They didn’t even acknowledge me. You know you’re not supposed to be here if that happens. When this ideation ends, I’ll be happy. I haven’t decided yet... but this was one of the last pieces of evidence needed to confirm my theory that I should’ve followed through when I was 12. I had the gun under my chin and the trigger was about to click when an aunt opened the door. My back was to the door and I managed to stash it... to her bewildered expression I made a believable excuse... she and my uncle took me out for a day to an amusement park. It’s the only happy memory I have from my childhood. The only one. And now, 27 years a failing marriage and two adult kids later, there’s no one to open the door. She’s so cold now. Mostly my fault. I can’t stop protecting myself. I do it so much that I never trusted that they cared. I just think that they’re more of the same. Another long con designed to teach me that I’m worthless. To break me. Drugs helped for years... and made things worse. I hid my addiction very well. It’s all a pathetic self fulfilling prophecy. To the no one that’s reading this... now you hate me too.